i will write.

I was always told that i couldn't write.

My 5^th form teacher told my mother outright that I would fail my final year exam.

I passed. But it was out of spite.

It was not because i had a love for the english language.

In truth, i feel the english language is infantile and unequipped to express the human experience.

I might be just so ignorant and have such a lack of comprehension and vocabulary that i cant do it justice. Maybe its both.

The humor is not beyond me however that to write is one of my most burning desires, its a part of me that is a bright light and a dark shadow. It holds memories best left forgotten. But those memories have power. Power that i need to step forward. We all must step forward and collect our lost power from the parts of ourselves we would rather leave behind. Leave the memories behind. But dont leave them full of power.

I have always had a need to be heard. Not necessarily to be understood. For most days i barely understand myself. But for myself this lack of understanding is a dance of light that i get to play in. It is not a torturous puzzle that must be solved.

Yet to write terrifies me. I keep wanting a platform to write anonymously. To say what comes forth without the fear of alienation, of ridicule, for I have such an unconscious and yet paralyzingly fear that to write what i really believe, to write what i really think, is to sacrifice all that i love. I will not live by this belief any longer. I will write. I will write opinions, i will write frustrations, i will write the dance of the trees, and the love of the light. I will write questions. Questions that for the most part are rhetorical.

I am writing, to share the deep and scary parts of myself. For i will no longer be held to the fear of my own voice. I ask the questions not so you can impart your wisdom to me, but so you may let the questions themselves itch under your own skin until a deep knowing births from inside of you. The knowing may be different from mine. That is ok.

Know that i too am allowing these questions to irritate the walls of my own dogma. And likely the contentment of my own knowings silence will be the only answer i offer.

Some of what I write will make the literate cringe. Im not apologizing. Cringe. But try and see beyond the words. I am not a writer. I am a yogini. Who is going to use this sadahana to face a fear. Some of what i write may be a waste of the time you take to read it. No one is making you. It may come across as pitiful masturbation. Yes. I said masturbation. Don't pity me. Just say a prayer that i write something the next day. Even if you don't read it.

I have asked 1 person to be my accountability. I will ask them to check my blog each day, and if i stop writing... to call. For 1 month. Till the 16^th of February. I will write. I will not sensor myself. I will hold this human experience in the respect, honesty and the voice that it deserves.

Jai.