Labyrinth day 3 - rock and a hard place.

today it has rained.  and i mean RAINED.  we have had more rain than before april this year...

it took to about 4pm for it to finish enough for me to head down to the labyrinth.   it has been a day between feeling like a rock and a hard place.

feeling that by standing up for what i feel is fair, right,  will alienate people who i have much time for.  and yet by not speaking up,  could, lead to tragedy, or even death for someone or some people.

it sucks to feel that your damed if you do, and your damed if you dont.  and after watching my own passionate emotions circle for hours,  i came to the decision that if i didnt say something, and something did go wrong,  i too would be at fault.  maybe not legally, but morally.   if you know someone is going to do something stupid, illegal, and maybe get someone else hurt... do you tell the people who have the tools to nip it in the bud?

and if the answer is yes,  then why do i feel so glum about it?  i dont like to ruffle feathers.  steeped in my own desires to be liked. under my over exuberant surface,  im quiet sensitive you see.

this is what i pondered as i walked today.  i took some photos, for you to see,  of scenes of loveliness, fairy dwellings that reside within her arms.  my offering today was lichen that had fallen to the ground from the tree.  today, i had to let go of the mind of dualism, and trust my heart.   follow the beauty and dont worry about the feathers.

 crown of semi precious'ness

joyful buddha

 and ancestors of the isle sitting against the rock of love.

 the water rock at the centre of the labyrinth.  holds a special place,  it has equal U shaped ridges upon its surface denoting that it was at the bottom of a tidal pool.  like an ocean or a great lake.  it was found but 200ft from the labyrinth herself.  at niwas, on the side of the hill.

again today in the centre of the labyrinth i got dizzy,  like a frequency was available there that was intoxicating.  i didnt have time to sit and immerse myself in it.  maybe tomorrow,  we shall see what comes...

Labyrinth day 2. - Fear and Lichen

as i walked down to the labyrinth today i realized something.  it scares me.  even with the 2 dogs.  and paramjyoti up at satyam, i was keenly aware that i was alone, that i didnt have my phone, or bear spray, and that i was scared.  it was cold.  it had just had a good down pour for about 10 mins.  and the cuffs of my pants were soaking by the time i got down there.

did it stop me?  no.  but i became acutely aware of the tension in my throat,  the heaviness in my heart,  and a little sadness under my anxiety also. and i realized that when im tired, i simply dont have the shakti to see past the clouds.   sleep,  and rest,  not exactly 2 things ive had alot of in the last 5 years, but its catching up with me now.  realizing that to be my best,  i need to rest.

  as i walked in, i just walked, whats my question?  nothing.  whats my intention?  one foot in front of the other.  to be here, now, to be open.
 random thoughts entered me,  nothing profound,  nothing worthy of entertaining.  just a heaviness, an emptiness.

at the centre i crouched by the rose quartz with both hands on her,  no questions, no prayers, no, nothing... except, the overwhelming fascination with how beautiful lichen is.  its so stunning, regardless of its shade or texture.  its one of my favorite aspects of nature.  for some reason i atribute lichen to natures innate beauty.  it needs the water, (emotion), it needs it to be cool, damp.  just as i was in that moment,  and yet, it thrives there, its so darn beautiful!

 and then i stood to go, but it was different, something had changed,  the anxiety was there, the cold and damp was there,  but i dreaded the labyrinth finishing, i wanted it to keep going, for hours, and hours, there was a comfort, a connection, a feeling of being held as i walked out that wasnt there on the way in...

tomorrow... ill do it again.

Labyrinth Sadhana - Day 1. - one step at a time.

Hi all,  firstly i would like to say i'm sorry for my huge gaps on this blog over the last months... its been a challenging summer and i have not wanted to bore you with words for the sake of them.  sometimes silence is better.

We have, however, had some amazing retreats here lately.  with the week long intensive of the chakra immersion retreat, and just this weekend with the lovely and nurturing yoga ecology retreat.

It was with the crew for this retreat that i started talking to the woman about my dream of people coming and staying down at the labyrinth for personal retreats of walking the labyrinth say,  11 times a day,  having food provided and bought down to the camper, and committing to a 3, 5, 7 or 11 day stint.  

So i have decided, on a smaller scale, to commit to one myself.  for myself.  by myself.  to see how the evolution of this practice resonates with me over a 30 day period.  so im committing to walk the Niwas labyrinth every day for 30 days.  blogging each day about what my experience was...  some days i might have allot to say,  some days i might not have anything but the acknowledgement that i have in fact completed that day.

So today,  the 1st september was my first one.  The intention was GRATITUDE.  more as a closing to the ecology retreat rather than the starting of an intensive sadhana... but it was profound non the less.

There was a lightness in me today as i walked her.  I have in fact felt quiet heavy for the last 3 months or so.  Depressed some would say.  but for me that holds to many societal projections for what you think my experience was.  rather than the reality of what it has been.

Today, narayan, who rarely comes down to the labyrinth, and rarely can stay quiet enough for me to focus, truly became part of the experience in the most beautiful way.  he walked behind me, then in front of me for the walk in.  he was quiet.  he seemed to understand the importance of the quiet.  then when we got to the middle he very quietly asked. "mama i need cuddles in the green sweater".  so i picked him up and wrapped him in me.  and we walked out as one.  it was beautiful.  he was snuggly.  gentle.  and i appreciated the feeling that we were deeply connected.  that i am,  was, and will always be his mama... to find comfort in my arms no matter what.

Today, as we walked together,  i felt grateful for being able to share niwas with others, i felt grateful that the teachings were resonating with the people and that transformation was possible, one breath at a time.  i felt grateful for my family, i felt grateful for being alive.  i felt grateful for living in a place where we are in no imminent threat of violence.  i felt grateful for being able to live with wonder,  the wonder that so many have lost, as their lives are torn apart by greed, ulterior motives and grudges.  thier reality plunged into thier imminent survival or demise.  i felt grateful for this moment to breath, to wonder about the divine, about love, about grace, about peace

Today, i felt myself consider emerging from the chrysalis that i have been encapsulated in for the summer.   To peek out and see what i have morphed into,  to see what has become...

are you coming with me?  leave me a note... and together we shall walk the labyrinth, one step, one breath at a time.

be held by the earth
allow yourself to transform on the wind
be nourished by the rain
and bask in the sun

for all you were looking for was right here with you.

yoga ecology 2014

How Ty Sees it #2

Tys second week at Niwas we would call,  a wonderful experience from our end.  We were really excited to be able to have him here on his 13th Birthday.  We had some wonderful conversations about yoga, life and putting full heart into tasks with no expectations.  also known as karma yoga.  this is what he had to say about it.


What i learnt.
this being my second stay at Niwas i learnt Karma Yoga that seemed to give me a whole new perspective of things near and around me that happen or take place.i also learnt how to milk goats and work with things that might be challenging for me. i helped with some oven work and some tree work.

what i enjoyed.
This week i enjoyed celebrating my birthday with niwas and staying on the path of learning about animals plus how to do things right. i also really enjoyed reading the book i am borrowing from Shivani, the books title is "Grand Father".

what did i do?
At Niwas i milked goats, helped with a bit of yard/tree work, household cleaning, our daily animal routine and achieving what i could. i also spent my thirteenth birthday at Niwas and was treated with care as always.

what did i find challenging?
This stay at Niwas some things i found challenging were knowing what tool is needed for the job and not putting myself down.

What would i like to do/ see next week?
Next week i would like to be more involved with learning about plants and animals and how i can continue to embrace all of me.

As Ty sees it... #1

So this year us at Niwas having taken on a "Youth Yoga and Farm Internship".  This is a partime internship of 2-3 nights/week where we have a local youth come and explore life at niwas.  Learn skills for the workplace, work ethic, and self exploration,  not to mention play and pancakes every now and then too!

Skills that Ty engaged with on his first week at niwas was Cheese Making (Mozerella),  Farming skills and animal care, bread making,  kitchen skills,  the community farmers market - public interactions and representation, as well as recieving a personal yogic practice to be done morning and night.  

We have asked Ty to write a few words each week to 

This is what he had to say this week....

What did you learn this week? 

Ishtadev niwas taught me the real feeling of what it is like to come from a town where the energy is just so crazy or so packed, to seeking a place that really allows you to look at what mother nature has to give. I am learning that life already gives people what we need if we trust in it so why do we insist on needing more.  I learned this lesson in all of the intern tasks I am doing.

What did  you enjoy?

I enjoyed coming to Ishtadev Niwas because of the energy change you feel - I feel it immediately when I come to the property.  I am able to focus better and feel like a fire has been calmed. Ishtadev Niwas is really anything you could ask for and provides everything that you need. When you really allow yourself to take in whats going on and your surroundings, you really see the great parts of life.

What did you do?

On this stay at ishtadev Niwas I learned about how to take care of the animals and the basics of farm life.  Paramjyoti also said that I have to learn the basics before I can learn to do the rest, like with tools - I need to learn the names of tools before I can learn to build with them. Ishtadev Niwas gave me interest in using less to do so much more and how effective that is for us and our animals as well. I also did a new yoga practice each day that was just the best thing for me. The practice kept me calm for the day and calm for the night, I do this practice in the morning and night every day and I find it helps me be a better person and gives others around me a good day.

What did you find challenging?

A few things I found challenging at Ishtadev Niwas were getting used to the routine right away and staying away from the cute animals so I could get my job done! Although I like the idea, it is still difficult getting comfortable to the life that offers us more and costs less - this life can be challenging but rewarding.

What am I looking forward to?

I am looking forward to seeing the place progress and what it will become and how I can be a part of that. I look forward to working with Ishtadev Niwas and what it has to give me and really I just look forward to more that I can learn in this summer internship!

We are very much looking forward to the coming months with Ty, to help him, support him,  and give him the platform to create some great skills, interesting experiences and confidence to take into his 13th year with him. 

welcome ty!

Life Through A Yogic Lens #2 - The F Word.

Question: The further I go on my spiritual path the deeper I feel love, joy etc. however the more sensitive I feel to things I once felt removed from, ie the pain in this world, with that has come a great level of fear as well. I know love is said to cast out fear but I find the more I love the more highlighted the fear. What tools do you suggest implementing to step out of this fear?

Offering: Ah.... The F word. As we step into Navaratri (the 9 nights of Durga) on monday the 31st March, its a great time to contemplate our relationship with the Divine Mother as Durga, especially though our relationship to the experience of fear.

Many people think that fear is to be avoided. Its not. Its a very human, very real, very necessary experience to help us navigate this experience of life. It is a gift from Ma Durga to be able to experience the root of life, which is Mooladhara Chakra. And we must root to rise. The energy through this chakra on the emotional level can be experienced as fear, known as anxiety, which moves up the body and stimulates the sympathetic nervous system or fight or flight, or faith/trust which moves down the body, is rooted in trusting the Divine for the perfection of this moment, this reality but not identified with it.

You see, Fear, symbolized by the lion, (sometimes tiger) that Durga is seen riding, is not riding her. She is riding it. It is present in her world, but it does not dominate her, she is using this fear to transport her into action, to right action. To slay the demons of ignorance and illusion. Fear to Durga is not something that is to be avoided, cowered, or discarded. It is a sacred energy that must be harnessed. In the face of fear, often we seek distraction, suppression, or avoidance when what is actually being asked of us is to actively seek to end the suffering of illusion and ignorance, bringing us into truth, into Faith. Trusting that we are all held by the Divine mother in this leela (play) of the souls evolution though the human experience. That all we experience, no matter how painful, (actual pain, not the fear of pain perceived or projected) is for our ultimate healing, to spur us forward into the experience of the One. Atma. Consciousness.

Fear, is rooted into the identification of the souls human experience having a beginning and an end. To not be in control of when/how we die. Who we leave behind. As a mother, this is something I am very intimate with. To fear death is to finally find the joy in living, now we must find the joy in living the unknown, even death.

When we experience fear the first thing to do is shift our awareness into trust. Then from this trust, shift it into action. There must be action for there to be the full cycle of transmutation. Remembering that sometimes right action is to do nothing. Action from fear creates chaos, confusion. Action from trust creates inner calm, contentment, clarity.

Mooladhara (trust/fear) is the foundation of our 3rd Dimensional experience, and Manipura is the peak of our 3rd dimensional experience. To get from one to the other we must move through the emotional waters of Swadhisthana chakra. The purification of the waters, through bringing forth our unconscious samskaras (memories), that seem so real but are really just an illusion, into a witnessing, a discernment to what is illusion and what is real.

Then we open ourselves to the next step, this is where the opening to Love comes in.

Just as to praise the dead is to truly grieve, and the grieve the living is to truly praise. This is the human expression of Love. Which, the same frequency as fear/faith but mirrored in the higher chakra of Anahata (the heart) just like ice and water are the same make up but different expressions. Mooladhara the root, and Anahata the heart, are the foundations of two different realities. 3D and 5D

So when you want to love more, work on your faith. When you want to transmute fear, root into the the unconditional love and protection of the Divine mother.

Though awareness of our actions, our sadhana (practice) to Durga in this auspicious time of Navaratri, we have a real opportunity to consciously step from the foundational 4 of Fear, to the liberated 5 of Faith.

Om Dum Durgayai Namaha!

The Value of a Life.

Homesteading is hard work.  Not the kind of hard work where you want to give up, but the kind that supports your growth as a soul, as a human, makes you face the tough questions.  Homesteading puts life into perspective, right down to its core of life and death.

In the West we are so afraid of death.  We acquaint it with failure, with loss, with something we have to fight against.  But this life, in all its dualism, is a beautiful mess,  a tragic celebration, a cherished agony, homesteading.

The last couple of months at Niwas have been a lesson in just that... life and death.

As a homesteader, a farmer, life and death is not as emotional as off the land.  It has a price tag. And i don't mean that cruelly, but honestly.   6 or so weeks ago our pied (black and white) Muskovy ducks started to get sick.  The others were fine,  but these 3, one by one... got sick and died.  It was distressing, frustrating, sad.  It was a dilemma i had never had been faced with before, well, not since the 6 chickens died at the beginning of the winter, but at that time i was in shock, and survival mode, not so much the witness of my experiance. You see, you have ducks on a farm for 3 reasons.  Eggs, Meat and fly control.  We are vegetarian, so meat dosn't really count,  and they arnt laying... so really its fly control that we have them for.

As they got sick, (which seemed to be starting with frozen swollen feet, to lethargy, to death) i had to come to terms that beyond basic first aid (cleaning and warming their feet, separating them with food so they didn't have to compete to eat) it wasn't realistic to have them get better.  I tried everything i knew, and the reached out to the duck community to ask for their advice, wisdom and suggestions... but the last option was the vet,  of which they said they didn't have the expertise and the duck would have to be flown to vancouver. Which would mean hundreds of dollars.  Even if the vet could handle it,  you walk through the door and its $60.  A Muskovy duck fetches between $20 - $40 on average.    So the 3 pied ducks died... nursed by myself to the end, but the end came for each.

Then came Prem.  Our first baby buckling who we spent hours intervening to give him the best start in life. Too weak to stand up, he couldn't get the nutrients he needed, and it was -20 so hypothermia was a certainty.  His umbilical cord was thickened.  Possible hernia, but i didn't think so.  On all other accounts he seemed as healthy as can be.

When you name something Prem (love) and you strip your clothes to give him the kangaroo, skin to skin, heart to heart,  treatment so that he will survive you can bet there is an emotional connection.  There is for all the animals,  but in varying degrees.

So when his umbilical cord got infected and didn't look like it was going to fall off like it needed too we got again in the same predicament, the value of his recovery vs. the value of his life.  A stud buck (which we were hoping him to be) costs around $100 - $150.  For a meat buckling your looking at $50 - $75.  To go to the vet, your looking at $60 for the consult, $50 for antibiotics, and $300 for surgery. 

Where do you draw the line?  It is not viable from a business stand point to pay $300+ to have a healthy goat that realistically could be 2-3 healthy goats for the same money.  Never for a moment would I want anyone, animal or human to suffer even a minute but you also cant emotionally be spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on every animal at the vets.  This is why a basic understanding and kit for first aid is crucial and having a husband thats a nurse comes in handy as well - he's not afraid of needles.

We decided to invest in Prem and took him to the vets for an ultrasound to see if it was a hernia or not. (A hernia is when the internal organs protrude the outside of the body because the abdominal wall is torn)   It wasn't, thank goodness, and with the consult and the antibiotics came to just over $100.  So we were lucky.

But to be extremely honest with you, there were tears,  trying to way up all the scenarios, the outcomes, the treatment options.  The pressure was huge,  the feeling that this being's life was in your hands and pragmatism had to play a part.  It was such and oxymoron.  To have to decide the value of a life.

And then there was Naata,  the Great Pyrenees puppy that ate a skunk with his mother on Saturday,  drove from Manitoba to Alberta on Sunday, from Alberta to us on Monday,  wouldn't eat on Tuesday and was dead by Wednesday.  Really?  was 24 hours long enough for such an emotional attachment to a little being that my streams of tears for hours was warranted?  understandable?  Or was it the helplessness,  the shock itself that elicits such grief?  Or maybe its a slight relief that i didn't have to make the decision,  that it was made for me between dusk and dawn.  We didn't even realize he was sick, we thought that he was depressed from being separated from his family,  scared of his new surroundings.  Its possible it was bone fragment ingested by eating the skunk that pierced his internal organs.  But even that is speculation,  one that gives me comfort.  So i hold on to it.

Why do we so fiercely fight death?  Why do we so strongly hold onto this reality? How do we love fully without attachment?

Maybe a short life as a duck is a huge blessing.  Maybe cycling through a glimpse of time as a puppy is all that is needed to clear the karmas at hand.  This for me is where faith comes in.  Acknowledging that I don't know the answers,  that when I make any decision on the well-being of our animals its from a place of love, of concern, of ultimate good.  Not from a place of emotional attachment.

Its such a strange reality we live in.  Where we have to consider the value of a life in terms of money.  Even humans get to the point where they draw a line on the cost of treatment vs. their attachment to life.

People think that homesteading is romantic.  It can be.  But its also hard work, especially on the inside.