The Presence of Christmas....

Firstly may I say,  Merry Christmas to all of you reading this.  I don't mean this flippantly,  I really mean,  may your life be filled with the merriment of your mass (union) with Christ consciousness.  cause, thats what its about right?  well, for me anyway... and lets face it... we need to say merry christmas every day, not just on the 25th December.

So i'm sitting here on a crisp and stunningly crystal clear snow laden christmas morning.  Hot cup of liquid balm wrapped among my fingers as I sit and watch the sun make its slow and remarkable rise into the sky.  It really is night and day in perspective once the sun hits a tree.  it moves from the black and white contrast of flat shapes before dawn,  to a brilliant firing of greens and golds as each ray touches its branches.

Watching Narayana play amongst the "things" he has unwrapped, like a locomotive with momentum, devouring everything in its path,  only briefly stopping to make sure that in fact the tag has a word starting with "N" on it, which means it must be for him.

"Things",  3D forms symbolizing love and remembrance.  Not really about the things at all,  but in the remembrance of the connection made with the person that has sent the gift to you, you experience that presence rather than presents is truly the gift of life.

Our tree,  for the most part an unconscious ritual of "what we do at christmas", seems to take on a new life for me this morning.  It tells me a tale of symbolism, of significance, of its place in the ceremony of life that we are actually celebrating.

We take a tree (of life),  and wrap it in light.  We call in the orbs of the ancestors and light beings that blur the dimensional realm,  mix them in with the quirky  memories of our human existence,  the tree decorations that you've had for... years.  Each time taking you back to the remembrance of where you were when you got it,  how it came to be,  why you kept it.  A real tree I feel is important,  for what in life truly has value without the understanding and acknowledgement of sacrifice, something that must be given up, in order to beckon the new?  In gratitude our tree offers itself, its life to be consumed and transformed into its place of ritual.

So we have a totem of life, of sacrifice, of light and of the orbs of ancestors and beings that connect us beyond the mundane.  And we offer it gifts.  We wrap our tokens of love in the surprise of the unknown, we let them sit,  bake, under the light of life, for days, weeks,  letting each 'presence' be infused with the magic of love and light that is the christ consciousness.  Like prasaad at a Havan,  after it has been offered to the alter,  we then consume it ourselves,  allowing that energy to be taken into our being.  Thus,  we unwrap the presents.  The tokens of 'presence' that keep the connections of love between family, friends, community.

So let the gifts of this day be conscious, let it be filled with heart opening remembrance, and may the light of Christ consciousness fire your being into the brilliance of life that you are.  And have yourself a very merry christmas now....

conclusion - final thoughts on my labyrinth sadhana.

wow... what a month.  something i have always wanted to do.  yet it took me 2 years to get around to it.  the sadhana was simple.  not easy. but simple.

to walk the labyrinth every day for the month of september.  to record my experience, authentically, humbly, and with venerability.

there were 2 days that i didn't write about my experience.  however i DID walk the labyrinth every single day.

the daily walk has been a wonderful constant for showing me the evolution of mind and emotion.

the first day i walked down i was so scared to go that far away from the teaching house without another human.  even with the dogs.  im known to not want to walk from the front door to the generator at night by myself and have more than once called PJ at work to get him to talk to me while i do.

after a few days however i realized that the fear of walking it alone transformed to an experience that was joyful,  not fearful.  then i walked it at night with paramjyoti and again was terrified that it was dark.  running the loops trying to fulfil my obligation, and not wanting to dwell there a second longer.

so to go from there, to being able to sit alone last night through the dusk, into the pitch black of night was amazing for me.   yes i felt uneasy,  and i was disappointed that i didnt stay the whole night, and at the same time,  i was cold (0 degrees) and wet. with 2 dogs that wouldn't stop barking or being on full alert.

my initial, raw and honest feelings of shame of not completing the night have softened into tremendous gratitude for my ability to finish the sadhana without fear.  for after i jumped up in alert and dashed to the truck,  i didnt hop in and abandon my things and just leave in fear.  i slowly (while the dogs were still going berserk) and calmly, without fear, walked back and forth and cleaned up my sleeping bivvy until all trace was gone.  (about 4 trips) and then went back again and slowly and calmly walked every loop out.  completing the cycle.

deciding to walk up to the cabin was also huge for me.  and wasnt a dash in desperation in search of safety.  but a conscious decision to sleep warmly so that i could indeed get up at 5am and do my navaratri sadhana before getting narayan off to school and the animals done.

every moment is an opportunity.  to observe.  to use.  life, really is just one big science experiment.   "if i do this, what is the effect? how do i feel?  if i change my mental attitude to it, and do it again does the effect change?  does my feeling change? what is the effect im looking for (sankalpa/intention)?  how many times do i need to reconnect to the same action to tease out the layers and layers of conditioning before i no longer have any identification with the shadow emotion?  fear, guilt, shame, grief. "

how does this create freedom?  how does this create space?  its a constant conversation between you and the Divine.  this is what life is.  a conversation, an unraveling of all you unconsciously hold as true,  that in fact, is illusion.  thats all.  nothing more.  and certainly nothing less.  for after all... im human and i intend consciously and continuously live up to the opportunity.

the last thing i offer to share about this experience is the joy and encouragement it has given me to regularly (not continuously - but for set length of times,  at different times of the year)  challenge myself to a more intense and structured sadhana. now that i have a little more breathing space with narayan being of an age that i can do it.   There is so much value to putting ourselves out of our comfort zone, so that we may break the boundaries of ignorance of Self.

To do deeper sadhana not for an outcome, or the fruition of a prayer answered,  but for the curiosity of the experiment, the process the journey of unfurling the true Self.   It has to come through action though, not just contemplation of theories and philosophy.   It has to come for the joy in life, and the love of living it. This little thing we call the human experience.

labyrinth day 23 - electric

Today has been busy.  very busy.  and my walk of ma was pushed and pushed until it was right on dusk.

The 23rd september.  its the silver anniversary. 25 years since Sri Swamiji set foot on Rikhiapeeth's red and dusty soil.  the eve of Narayan's first day at school.  its the new moon in libra,  the autumn equinox.  in short... its a potent time.

As i walked down to ma today i could feel the electricity in the air.  there is a storm coming.  Blessings in the form of tiny drops of water to balm the dry earth.

I walked her bare foot.  and raised my arms to the sky as i stood in the middle.  i am human. i thought.  the conduit between the heaven and the earth.   fearless.   and then a bug flew in my ear and i jumped.  ok... maybe not completely fearless.  

I have been thinking allot about soul retrieval through novels.  to let your heart soar in the pages of a novel, is to reclaim, remember a part of your soul who wishes to be alive also in this hear and now.

is it a coincidence that as i do this Sadhana of walking the labyrinth - an ancient celtic symbol for the divine mother - that i am immersed in reading the outlander series?  i think not.  i find it fascinating.  humbling.  and a thrilling reclamation of a piece of myself that not only feels like its moving from that point.  but also moving to that point.  to understand what i mean... you will have to stay tuned.

labyrinth day 22 - magic in the ordinary.

today i walked her,  it was quiet.  oh how i love silence.  not void of sound.  but silent.  
nothing unnecessary.  nothing trivial.  just he crickets calling to each other, like moroccan shakers duelling.
dogs running around,  then so obviously stopping for a cuddle.  Avi is now big enough that i can give him a full on bear hug.  im not sure who likes it better... him, or me.

today i listened to ask about sleeping in her on the last night of the sadhana...  still listening.  contemplating.

today, was the magic in the ordinary.

i remember you

honey drips down my throat
cold water balms my forehead
salty tears roll down my face
as i remember you

Hare Krishna comes from my lips
Hare Rama rolls off my tongue
skin melts
eyes close
now, i remember you

labyrinth day 21 - can you hear that?

today, the storm has passed.  the sun is shining, and although i feel alittle woozy, i am up and about and feeling much better.

today we have started to move furniture into Ganesh Kutir.  including setting up the little alcove puja at the front door with Ganesha on it scribing the vedas.

narayan helped me do it.  we put it together, and then walked down to ma labyrinth together to get ganesha.  we asked MA if we could take him, and she said "of course".  narayan looked at me and said "phew, i thought she was going to say no" bless his cotton socks.

so he ran the lines of the labyrinth with a wheel of wood in his hands like a steering wheel.  making sounds like the indi 500 as he turned all the corners.  usually this would drive me nuts.  but i wove in and out of my mantra while invoking pratyahara, and quietly listening to the innocence and joy he was exuding as he semi-ran.

when we got to the middle.  i was feeling simplified.  stripped down.  clean.  grateful.  joyful.
and i asked him what he could see.  "nothing" he replied, as though it was an enquiry as to what he did at school that day.  "what do you see?" he asked.

"i see sunshining through each individual fir needle." "oh me too!" he said as if he had only just realised what he was standing in front of.  "i see the blueness of the sky making crisp contrast to the greeness of the trees, and the golden grass as the floor"... "oooh me too!."

and then he turned to me "mum" in a hushed voice,  "shh... can you hear that?  i can hear the trees breathing...."

and that was all i needed for my heart to soar.

labyrinth day 17 - the left side...

so its not surprising that im doing a Divine feminine sadhana and all the left side of my body starts to go haywire.  the left side of my sinus have had me with a wicked headache for the last 3 days... pushing into the left side of my head.  then today i wake with a crink in my neck on the left side and shoulder.

ive held allot in this left shoulder for a very very long time.  when i get acupuncture done on it i get crazy images of times gone by.  most of them extremely unpleasant.

and on top of my left shoulder severely limiting my range of motion in my neck today, my left sciatic is also pinching.  awesome.

so what does it all mean?  well... the left is the feminine. to receive. to hold.  to soften.  to come out of "doer" the rajasic active mind.  and into a sattvic being.  the left is also ida nadi.  the parasympathetic nervous system.  that which innately runs.  that you dont think about... heart, lungs etc.  the core that keeps going when your not thinking.

so what do i make of it?  its another layer of unfurling.  an opportunity to connect at a deeper level to my innate being.  the piece that is unchanged, lifetime after lifetime, atma.  and the pain that is held there are the peices of fear that feels like i need to "do" something.  its the peices of me that function from the ego.  from the individual perspective.  the pieces that dont trust.  that dont completely receive.

as these physical things rise to the surface, thier emotions and mental beliefs peel away and then a choice is made.  hold on... or let go.  i choose let go.  let go of the pieces that operate from the individual. and allow myself to sink deep into the warm soothing waters of the mother.   jai ho!

labyrinth day 16 - to be held.

so today was the most challenging day so far with regards to walking the labyrinth.  due to a virus i woke up with yesterday morning.

yesterday, however the cold and sinus meditation seemed to work a charm... but today it has not seemed to work so well and after doing the bank and groceries in kimberley i was rendered to bed for the rest of the day.

it wasn't till 7pm, and after i had held down some food that i managed to waddle down there. i figured if sri swaimiji can do panchagni sadhana.  then i can walk the labyrinth with a fever.  :)  im sure there was days when he wanted to give up on his sadhana too... at least thats what i tell myself.

so today i walked slowly... unsteady on my feet.  slight dizzy, hot and cold flushes...

i walked in... and i sat.  and i noticed that even in my sitting on the ground in the centre of the labyrinth, i was still holding myself up.  so i sat a little deeper.  and then a little deeper.  until i felt completely held by mother earth.  i was completely held, and that i didn't need to hold myself up at all...  it was blissful in my fevered stupor.

i crawled back up the hill... and am hoping that tomorrow i will be clearer in mind and body.

with love.

labyrinth day 15 - time warping, yet its still about LOVE

i have recently read the novel "outlander" where a woman in 1946 stands in a mini stonehenge and is warped back to the 1740's and has a grand adventure of love in the highlands of Scotland.

so as i was walking ma labyrinth today you can imagine my surprise when the dogs start running full force at something/someone walking down the path.  and out of no where a woman dressed in early 1900's clothing (hat, skirt and shirt) is walking down the path to the labyrinth.

i really had to take a second to figure out what was going on.  alas, it was one of my favourite women in the local area, Jeanette coming to take solace in the labyrinth on her way home from fort steel heritage town.

i finished walking MA and went and sat next to her.  Jeanette is someone who i consider to really embody the energy of Divine mother.  shes completely committed to her evolution through the goddess path and spending time with her is always a treat.

as we sat i told her about my sadhana that i was engaged in, by walking the labyrinth every day, and how i am listening to the potential opportunity of doing a vision quest on the last night by sleeping in the middle of the labyrinth.  by myself.  something that scares the bajeebas out of me,  which is why i probably need to do it.   i have not committed to it.  but i am considering, listening, contemplating.

the other thing we talked about was being able to love someone so much, you are willing to let them go completely.  knowing that its not about wether or not you are with them, its about YOUR capacity to experience unconditional love.  that sometimes people come into our lives that completely rock our world,  explode our hearts, and then, like a bucket of cold water over your head,  you experience complete confusion when its not matched with OMG this is so awesome!   when you are so obviously connected deeper on a soul level but sometimes, the karmas don't completely line up in this reality.  that its not a failure to let them go,  rather a success to know that your capable of such intense soul level love.  that you will let go of all attachment to their personality in this lifetime.  that simply your ability to love,  that intensely,  not one person, but just to LOVE, is enough.

labyrinth day 14 - between you and me.

...there are boundaries.  sheaths of protection, both conscious and unconscious.  some societal.  some self imposed.

to me,  my life through the path of yoga is about bringing all these boundaries, or sheaths to the surface and really choosing which ones are necessary, which are not.   which support my connection to and as the divine,  and which create the illusion of separateness.

this is what i contemplated this morning as we cut and moved a tree out of the forest.

to give you some of the things i consider boundaries, mostly that create separateness are, clothes, talking, glasses, media, morality (from the perspective of believing you are morally superior - and you may be - eg.  in regards to ISIS or other negative or dark forces acting out in our reality at this time. )  what creates separation? and does all belief of separation actually hold us back from our experience of oneness with the divine?

one of the first things i woke up to this morning was an article calling ISIS supporters "monsters".  and while i am appalled by their actions, sick to my stomach, and utterly saddened, i believe it is a very slippery slope to de-humanize anyone.  ANYONE.   through de humanizing someone we can then justify actions towards them that we could not do against our brother, our sister.  isnt this exactly what THEY (ISIS) have done to these people who have become the beheaded pawns in a international game of power?  they are someones sons,  someones fathers, someones lovers.  both the victims and the perpetrators.

yesterday as i read an article about Mr Haines,  the BBC referred to him as "the David Haines".  now this might be a typo.  but my first response to reading this was "the media has made him an object.  hes already dead.  or about to be." and sure enough, by the end of the day, proof had come forward of his horrific departure from this world.  maybe its only when we create separation from the human do we seem to be able to cope with the reality of consciously inflicted pain.

so today, i decided to try and minimise the boundaries between me and the labyrinth.  so i walked her bare.  bare footed, bare skinned. bare bummed.  with the breeze on my skin,  with the acute awareness of warmth and coolness across my body as i walked from sun to shadow.  sun to shadow.  for isnt that what we do in life?  keep walking,  sometimes in the sunshine.  sometimes in the shadow.  but hopefully always forward.  momentum is the key,  to keep moving forward towards the centre of our being.

silence... we really fill the void, the sweet void of potential, with mindless chatter.  as though hearing our own voice allows us to be remembered that we were here at all.

there were so many more textures to be experienced walking her nude.  the grass brushing my skin as i walked past them.  the ground.  firm, yet slightly cool.   yet in its simplicity of removing my clothes i realized how removed i am from the whispers of nature simply by creating a barrier between me and mother earth.   if there was no separation between the human, and the mother,  could we really take as much oil?  could we really mine and dig into her flesh as we do?

now, im not saying im going to be taking my clothes off again any time soon... but as i strip the pieces of me that hold back, rather than open forward, i am going to keep exploring all the pieces of me that hold boundaries, my illusions of separation from MA.

labyrinth day 13 - wish upon a star.

ha!  so the irony is not lost on me after being so bold as to express my opinion on priorities yesterday that today is the day time runs away with me and its not till after my dinner date with paramjyoti and we get home at 9.30pm with a tired 4 year old that im still in need to fufill my commitment to my sadhana and walk ma labyrinth.

but i did it...

and it invoked a new first... it was the first time i have ever walked her in the dark.  and while i can honestly say that it was not the slowest or most contemplative cycle that i have done,  it did remind me of the very first walk in this sadhana where i had walked down alone. (even though this time Paramjyoti was with me) fear was present.  the dark.  bears.  cougars, coyotes...  and i realize just how much beauty we miss when we are stepping forward in fear.

never the less, im sure the next time i do it in the dark there will be less fear.  just as now walking down during the day by myself is no longer a fear-full experience.  instead, it is bliss.

the stars tonight are exquisite.  the night is clear,  and the aurora borealis are supposed to be seen tonight,  although i didn't see any.

a full day has been, and tomorrow bids another one just as abundant.  so without another minute to keep me from sleep.

loka samasta sukinaam bhavantu.  may all beings know happiness.  this is my wish upon the stars tonight.

bonne nuit...

labyrinth day 11 - harvesting the moment.

so i tried to take a movie of it... but i didnt have enough space on my phone to fit the file.  clearly she didnt want to be immortalized through film.  however i did manage a few more photos of her today.  space and things that people have made as an offering to her.  leaving a little bit of their shakti back with it...

the air is crisp today.  the perfect fall day.  no clouds,  about 10 degrees.  there is an air of nourishment about it.  the question "what do i need to take care of, so that i am nourished through the winter.  what food?  what warmth?  what joy?"  these are what i think about... and then im flooded with gratitude.  for, i have options.   we all do.

  Krishna and Radha sit against the rose quartz which holds the point of confluence for the labyrinth.   all lines, all roads, lead to love.

tiny rocks bathed by Ma Ganga, now sit in the sun of Niwas.

Dragonflys,  always such an omen to me of the Divine mothers blessings... 

instead of spending these days wishing for summer to come back,  what can you do to harvest THIS moment,  so that the winter to come is one of deeper and intense nourishment, rather than survival till the sun comes back.  

labyrinth day 9 - trust.

its cold today,  almost put the fire on cold.   the full moon last night is still rippling through my body.  i believe it was in pisces which is my rising sign.  sensitive, watery, dualistic.  that sums it up quiet well id say.

we've had a few financial hic-ups in the last few days...   finding out about things that had we known earlier, we would have made some big decisions differently.    but alas,  we didnt know these things and now big items are in motion, and back tracking is not an option.  

i know we are not alone in tight financial times.  teachers are for one feeling it, having not been paid anything since the 2nd week of june.  my heart goes out to them.  and i wonder of the collective conscious teaching of this moon around what is money? what power do we give money?  what is security?

my first go to is "work harder".  paramjyoti's go to is "how many more loaves of bread are we gonna need"?   but in fact,  we are maxed in both of these.  so what is left?  surrender,  trust.

as i walked into ma labyrinth today, frustrated, scared, almost in tears, i found myself asking over and over "what do you want!"  as though the bill monster was not satisfied until it had its desert of overdraft.

"money is an illusion" i heard.  "dont give it power.  give the divine power and the divine will always provide"  so that left me with "trust".  remember other times like this... and look at how grace flowed in.  "trust."  the more you can let go of the stress of it, the more you can let go of the story,  the more it will flow and it will work itself out.  "trust".

i can see that if we had known before what we knew today, we would have not made the same decisions.  but clearly the divine wanted us to make those decisions, and now i have to trust, let go and know that we are supported, the divine has and is always supporting Niwas and its destiny.  trust... breath... and keep on walking.

labyrinth day 8 - riding the wave of the moon

inhale, exhale.... repeat

its the last supermoon of 2014.  and im kinda glad that its the last.

the energy over the last few days has been intense.  no matter what i have been experiencing it has been extremes.  if im tired,  ive felt exhausted.  if im joyful, i feel slightly giddy with bliss.

most of day was exhausted,  but this evening we started the monday night yoga classes again, and to see the room full with 10 beautiful and mindful women was delightful.  it really was full-of-light.  breath flowing, bodies moving with precision.  an offering to the divine mother, and offering to the Self.  it was lovely.

todays labyrinth walk i was tired and crabby as i walked in.  so easily frustrated by what i deem as disrespectful.  indigent has such a sour face.   and i sat in the middle,  the dogs came for cuddles.  really... dogs are prozac with fur.  so much joy, and love, and devotion with every nuzzel.  they hold such a special place in my experiance of life.

the wind changed,  and the sun came out from the clouds.  i got up to walk out and the familiar feeling of joy washed over me.  connected.  peaceful.  the same one that seems to come with each walk of the her rings.  its addictive.  i love it.

i walked down there dragging my feet with exhaustion.  i came up only slightly fatigued and worked on the root cellar till class....

inhale, exhale.... ride the crazy wave of the moon and just keep breathing.

labyrinth day 7 - full moon waters.

today was the last day of the "go with the flow" honey and yoga retreat.  it was delicious, in every way and im quiet tired by the weekends efforts.

today's walk to see ma was amplified by the gayatri havan we did just before it, and the dragonfly rock that ingrid gave me to offer Ma while i was down there.

theres nothing profound about today, except for the deep feeling that i have given my all, and now it is time to submerge in the waters of the full moon and replenish, rest and rejuvenate.

immense gratitude for the teachings of the weekend, and the dragonflys who to me, are alway ma durga saying that she is here, that we are blessed and that we are not alone.

jai ho!

labyrinth day 6 - embrace the chaos.

its been a long day.  a great day.  a full day.

its the "go with the flow karma yoga retreat" this weekend.  people coming together to embrace the brilliant light of september,  practice yoga,  extract honey.

we worked on the cabin,  and extracted honey in the afternoon... followed by a well earnt walk of the labyrinth post dinner and a beautiful havan under ma luna.

so, sometimes we have expectations of what something spiritual is "supposed" to be like.   but if anyone has ever received a hug from Amma,  you know that sometimes the most sacred and spiritual events are complete chaos.  and that was what the labyrinth was today.

5 adults
4 dogs
1 four year old.

all running around,  fighting, wrestling, jumping, adults walking fast, adults walking slow.    it was wonderful.  there was just so much happening, and yet... we were all just on our own journeys.  one step at a time.

there was joy in the cacophony of movement.  there was a togetherness, although we were all walking alone.  it was a great day to simply embrace the chaos.

labyrinth day 5 - i'm human

anticipation

individual
emotional
fear
attachment
escape
ignorance
lies

fatigue.  burning.  searching.  already here.  surrender.

truth
discernment
bliss
love
trust
joy
human

om


i realized today as i walked back from ma labyrinth that ive always considered being human as "someone who has fallen from grace, who is less than god, who is less than heaven, who has sins to atone for and therefore has been banished to earth to figure it out".    anyone spot the ex catholic?

how many times have we gotten to a place where we feel we have failed, where we feel that we are less than, where we pity ourselves, and find ourselves saying "im only human".

but i walked today contemplating the 8 rings of the labia, in terms of the chakras.  in terms of the development form shadow to light.   in terms of kundalini, colour, of evolution.

we come into her through the 3rd ring, manipura, ego, individual, and leave her from this place, having touched each aspect, walked each ring.  having sit in the centre on the mothers lap of earth.   to start the walk, and finish the walk in the 3rd, spoke to me of the importance of the 3rd dimension.

 i wonder,  maybe, to be human, is actually the highest honor of this 3rd dimensional experience.   we are told this after all,  to be born human is the most evolved in this reality.  but what does it actually mean?   to be a walking, talking, avatar of god. to rise into our humanness, instead of falling.   for manipura is the highest of the dimensions of the mortal experience.  to master manipura, come into the right relationship with the ego, right action, step forward from thy will, surrender, serve, is to realize oneself as god, embodied in this realm of physicality.  to realize that you are god, in body,  is in fact, to be human.

labyrinth day 4. - Creativity, Sex, Love and God.

hi sweet one.

yes... today has been sweet.

we have baked bread since first thing this morning, for tonights market.  and although the oven has been too cool and we have had to refire it a few times,  it has gone very smoothly.

days like today when things click i wonder "what makes today different"?

i listened to a great interview on Q the other day with Jian and the lead singer from bleacher,  Jack Antonoff.  and i was really comforted but what he said about his experience of anxiety, and how that when the creative flow is flowing,  you just gotta go with it.   (for full interview click here - totally worth it... and great music.

and it got me thinking about Creativity, Sex, Love and God.  maybe or maybe not in that order.  and i started to think about my experience of frequencies that i have when i feel connected to the Divine/God, like today, and frequencies where i don't, like the last few days.    and im starting to think they all might be closer in connection than i originally realized.  now, im not saying that every-time i experience sex, put pen to paper, or sing,  i feel closer to god,  however, i do think there is a portal there,  a glimpse of something transcendent.

It is this same glimpse that i feel when i feel like writing poetry (im not saying its good poetry, but it comes from a place that is in the creative frequency), its the same glimpse when i look at narayan or paramjyoti and think,  "holy hell, how did i get so lucky"?  That really,  in each of these experiences what i am experiencing is the portal to the divine, i am experiancing gods love, through that human moment.  Its that connection that i crave,  that i sometimes wonder is it worth living without it?

its what keeps me going.  and it dosnt have to be all of them either,  somedays its singing to the divine through kirtan,  or even singing bb king that brings it through (one of the most holy of concerts i have ever been to).  sometimes its writing, or before my family it would be through painting.  sometimes its through making love.  opening to love, being love.  often,  like an organism,  its the build up to the creative burst that actually is more tantalizing than the grand event.   This,  is the root teaching of tantric sex,  to use this sexual energy to create that portal, and use it to experience god rather than the humanness of desire.

but today as i walked Ma Labyrinth (and suddenly wondering about the connection to the word Labia) i couldn't help but chant the Maha Mantra all the way around.  through pure joy.  i couldn't help but do so.   today, wether its looking at the wonder that is narayan,  writing this blog, or singing the name of krishna, that today... contentment reigns, connection is felt, and gratitude exudes.  i feel alive.

Labyrinth day 3 - rock and a hard place.

today it has rained.  and i mean RAINED.  we have had more rain than before april this year...

it took to about 4pm for it to finish enough for me to head down to the labyrinth.   it has been a day between feeling like a rock and a hard place.

feeling that by standing up for what i feel is fair, right,  will alienate people who i have much time for.  and yet by not speaking up,  could, lead to tragedy, or even death for someone or some people.

it sucks to feel that your damed if you do, and your damed if you dont.  and after watching my own passionate emotions circle for hours,  i came to the decision that if i didnt say something, and something did go wrong,  i too would be at fault.  maybe not legally, but morally.   if you know someone is going to do something stupid, illegal, and maybe get someone else hurt... do you tell the people who have the tools to nip it in the bud?

and if the answer is yes,  then why do i feel so glum about it?  i dont like to ruffle feathers.  steeped in my own desires to be liked. under my over exuberant surface,  im quiet sensitive you see.

this is what i pondered as i walked today.  i took some photos, for you to see,  of scenes of loveliness, fairy dwellings that reside within her arms.  my offering today was lichen that had fallen to the ground from the tree.  today, i had to let go of the mind of dualism, and trust my heart.   follow the beauty and dont worry about the feathers.

 crown of semi precious'ness

joyful buddha

 and ancestors of the isle sitting against the rock of love.

 the water rock at the centre of the labyrinth.  holds a special place,  it has equal U shaped ridges upon its surface denoting that it was at the bottom of a tidal pool.  like an ocean or a great lake.  it was found but 200ft from the labyrinth herself.  at niwas, on the side of the hill.

again today in the centre of the labyrinth i got dizzy,  like a frequency was available there that was intoxicating.  i didnt have time to sit and immerse myself in it.  maybe tomorrow,  we shall see what comes...

The Value of a Life.

Homesteading is hard work.  Not the kind of hard work where you want to give up, but the kind that supports your growth as a soul, as a human, makes you face the tough questions.  Homesteading puts life into perspective, right down to its core of life and death.

In the West we are so afraid of death.  We acquaint it with failure, with loss, with something we have to fight against.  But this life, in all its dualism, is a beautiful mess,  a tragic celebration, a cherished agony, homesteading.

The last couple of months at Niwas have been a lesson in just that... life and death.

As a homesteader, a farmer, life and death is not as emotional as off the land.  It has a price tag. And i don't mean that cruelly, but honestly.   6 or so weeks ago our pied (black and white) Muskovy ducks started to get sick.  The others were fine,  but these 3, one by one... got sick and died.  It was distressing, frustrating, sad.  It was a dilemma i had never had been faced with before, well, not since the 6 chickens died at the beginning of the winter, but at that time i was in shock, and survival mode, not so much the witness of my experiance. You see, you have ducks on a farm for 3 reasons.  Eggs, Meat and fly control.  We are vegetarian, so meat dosn't really count,  and they arnt laying... so really its fly control that we have them for.

As they got sick, (which seemed to be starting with frozen swollen feet, to lethargy, to death) i had to come to terms that beyond basic first aid (cleaning and warming their feet, separating them with food so they didn't have to compete to eat) it wasn't realistic to have them get better.  I tried everything i knew, and the reached out to the duck community to ask for their advice, wisdom and suggestions... but the last option was the vet,  of which they said they didn't have the expertise and the duck would have to be flown to vancouver. Which would mean hundreds of dollars.  Even if the vet could handle it,  you walk through the door and its $60.  A Muskovy duck fetches between $20 - $40 on average.    So the 3 pied ducks died... nursed by myself to the end, but the end came for each.

Then came Prem.  Our first baby buckling who we spent hours intervening to give him the best start in life. Too weak to stand up, he couldn't get the nutrients he needed, and it was -20 so hypothermia was a certainty.  His umbilical cord was thickened.  Possible hernia, but i didn't think so.  On all other accounts he seemed as healthy as can be.

When you name something Prem (love) and you strip your clothes to give him the kangaroo, skin to skin, heart to heart,  treatment so that he will survive you can bet there is an emotional connection.  There is for all the animals,  but in varying degrees.

So when his umbilical cord got infected and didn't look like it was going to fall off like it needed too we got again in the same predicament, the value of his recovery vs. the value of his life.  A stud buck (which we were hoping him to be) costs around $100 - $150.  For a meat buckling your looking at $50 - $75.  To go to the vet, your looking at $60 for the consult, $50 for antibiotics, and $300 for surgery. 

Where do you draw the line?  It is not viable from a business stand point to pay $300+ to have a healthy goat that realistically could be 2-3 healthy goats for the same money.  Never for a moment would I want anyone, animal or human to suffer even a minute but you also cant emotionally be spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on every animal at the vets.  This is why a basic understanding and kit for first aid is crucial and having a husband thats a nurse comes in handy as well - he's not afraid of needles.

We decided to invest in Prem and took him to the vets for an ultrasound to see if it was a hernia or not. (A hernia is when the internal organs protrude the outside of the body because the abdominal wall is torn)   It wasn't, thank goodness, and with the consult and the antibiotics came to just over $100.  So we were lucky.

But to be extremely honest with you, there were tears,  trying to way up all the scenarios, the outcomes, the treatment options.  The pressure was huge,  the feeling that this being's life was in your hands and pragmatism had to play a part.  It was such and oxymoron.  To have to decide the value of a life.

And then there was Naata,  the Great Pyrenees puppy that ate a skunk with his mother on Saturday,  drove from Manitoba to Alberta on Sunday, from Alberta to us on Monday,  wouldn't eat on Tuesday and was dead by Wednesday.  Really?  was 24 hours long enough for such an emotional attachment to a little being that my streams of tears for hours was warranted?  understandable?  Or was it the helplessness,  the shock itself that elicits such grief?  Or maybe its a slight relief that i didn't have to make the decision,  that it was made for me between dusk and dawn.  We didn't even realize he was sick, we thought that he was depressed from being separated from his family,  scared of his new surroundings.  Its possible it was bone fragment ingested by eating the skunk that pierced his internal organs.  But even that is speculation,  one that gives me comfort.  So i hold on to it.

Why do we so fiercely fight death?  Why do we so strongly hold onto this reality? How do we love fully without attachment?

Maybe a short life as a duck is a huge blessing.  Maybe cycling through a glimpse of time as a puppy is all that is needed to clear the karmas at hand.  This for me is where faith comes in.  Acknowledging that I don't know the answers,  that when I make any decision on the well-being of our animals its from a place of love, of concern, of ultimate good.  Not from a place of emotional attachment.

Its such a strange reality we live in.  Where we have to consider the value of a life in terms of money.  Even humans get to the point where they draw a line on the cost of treatment vs. their attachment to life.

People think that homesteading is romantic.  It can be.  But its also hard work, especially on the inside.