conclusion - final thoughts on my labyrinth sadhana.

wow... what a month.  something i have always wanted to do.  yet it took me 2 years to get around to it.  the sadhana was simple.  not easy. but simple.

to walk the labyrinth every day for the month of september.  to record my experience, authentically, humbly, and with venerability.

there were 2 days that i didn't write about my experience.  however i DID walk the labyrinth every single day.

the daily walk has been a wonderful constant for showing me the evolution of mind and emotion.

the first day i walked down i was so scared to go that far away from the teaching house without another human.  even with the dogs.  im known to not want to walk from the front door to the generator at night by myself and have more than once called PJ at work to get him to talk to me while i do.

after a few days however i realized that the fear of walking it alone transformed to an experience that was joyful,  not fearful.  then i walked it at night with paramjyoti and again was terrified that it was dark.  running the loops trying to fulfil my obligation, and not wanting to dwell there a second longer.

so to go from there, to being able to sit alone last night through the dusk, into the pitch black of night was amazing for me.   yes i felt uneasy,  and i was disappointed that i didnt stay the whole night, and at the same time,  i was cold (0 degrees) and wet. with 2 dogs that wouldn't stop barking or being on full alert.

my initial, raw and honest feelings of shame of not completing the night have softened into tremendous gratitude for my ability to finish the sadhana without fear.  for after i jumped up in alert and dashed to the truck,  i didnt hop in and abandon my things and just leave in fear.  i slowly (while the dogs were still going berserk) and calmly, without fear, walked back and forth and cleaned up my sleeping bivvy until all trace was gone.  (about 4 trips) and then went back again and slowly and calmly walked every loop out.  completing the cycle.

deciding to walk up to the cabin was also huge for me.  and wasnt a dash in desperation in search of safety.  but a conscious decision to sleep warmly so that i could indeed get up at 5am and do my navaratri sadhana before getting narayan off to school and the animals done.

every moment is an opportunity.  to observe.  to use.  life, really is just one big science experiment.   "if i do this, what is the effect? how do i feel?  if i change my mental attitude to it, and do it again does the effect change?  does my feeling change? what is the effect im looking for (sankalpa/intention)?  how many times do i need to reconnect to the same action to tease out the layers and layers of conditioning before i no longer have any identification with the shadow emotion?  fear, guilt, shame, grief. "

how does this create freedom?  how does this create space?  its a constant conversation between you and the Divine.  this is what life is.  a conversation, an unraveling of all you unconsciously hold as true,  that in fact, is illusion.  thats all.  nothing more.  and certainly nothing less.  for after all... im human and i intend consciously and continuously live up to the opportunity.

the last thing i offer to share about this experience is the joy and encouragement it has given me to regularly (not continuously - but for set length of times,  at different times of the year)  challenge myself to a more intense and structured sadhana. now that i have a little more breathing space with narayan being of an age that i can do it.   There is so much value to putting ourselves out of our comfort zone, so that we may break the boundaries of ignorance of Self.

To do deeper sadhana not for an outcome, or the fruition of a prayer answered,  but for the curiosity of the experiment, the process the journey of unfurling the true Self.   It has to come through action though, not just contemplation of theories and philosophy.   It has to come for the joy in life, and the love of living it. This little thing we call the human experience.

labyrinth day 21 - can you hear that?

today, the storm has passed.  the sun is shining, and although i feel alittle woozy, i am up and about and feeling much better.

today we have started to move furniture into Ganesh Kutir.  including setting up the little alcove puja at the front door with Ganesha on it scribing the vedas.

narayan helped me do it.  we put it together, and then walked down to ma labyrinth together to get ganesha.  we asked MA if we could take him, and she said "of course".  narayan looked at me and said "phew, i thought she was going to say no" bless his cotton socks.

so he ran the lines of the labyrinth with a wheel of wood in his hands like a steering wheel.  making sounds like the indi 500 as he turned all the corners.  usually this would drive me nuts.  but i wove in and out of my mantra while invoking pratyahara, and quietly listening to the innocence and joy he was exuding as he semi-ran.

when we got to the middle.  i was feeling simplified.  stripped down.  clean.  grateful.  joyful.
and i asked him what he could see.  "nothing" he replied, as though it was an enquiry as to what he did at school that day.  "what do you see?" he asked.

"i see sunshining through each individual fir needle." "oh me too!" he said as if he had only just realised what he was standing in front of.  "i see the blueness of the sky making crisp contrast to the greeness of the trees, and the golden grass as the floor"... "oooh me too!."

and then he turned to me "mum" in a hushed voice,  "shh... can you hear that?  i can hear the trees breathing...."

and that was all i needed for my heart to soar.

labyrinth day 17 - the left side...

so its not surprising that im doing a Divine feminine sadhana and all the left side of my body starts to go haywire.  the left side of my sinus have had me with a wicked headache for the last 3 days... pushing into the left side of my head.  then today i wake with a crink in my neck on the left side and shoulder.

ive held allot in this left shoulder for a very very long time.  when i get acupuncture done on it i get crazy images of times gone by.  most of them extremely unpleasant.

and on top of my left shoulder severely limiting my range of motion in my neck today, my left sciatic is also pinching.  awesome.

so what does it all mean?  well... the left is the feminine. to receive. to hold.  to soften.  to come out of "doer" the rajasic active mind.  and into a sattvic being.  the left is also ida nadi.  the parasympathetic nervous system.  that which innately runs.  that you dont think about... heart, lungs etc.  the core that keeps going when your not thinking.

so what do i make of it?  its another layer of unfurling.  an opportunity to connect at a deeper level to my innate being.  the piece that is unchanged, lifetime after lifetime, atma.  and the pain that is held there are the peices of fear that feels like i need to "do" something.  its the peices of me that function from the ego.  from the individual perspective.  the pieces that dont trust.  that dont completely receive.

as these physical things rise to the surface, thier emotions and mental beliefs peel away and then a choice is made.  hold on... or let go.  i choose let go.  let go of the pieces that operate from the individual. and allow myself to sink deep into the warm soothing waters of the mother.   jai ho!

labyrinth day 16 - to be held.

so today was the most challenging day so far with regards to walking the labyrinth.  due to a virus i woke up with yesterday morning.

yesterday, however the cold and sinus meditation seemed to work a charm... but today it has not seemed to work so well and after doing the bank and groceries in kimberley i was rendered to bed for the rest of the day.

it wasn't till 7pm, and after i had held down some food that i managed to waddle down there. i figured if sri swaimiji can do panchagni sadhana.  then i can walk the labyrinth with a fever.  :)  im sure there was days when he wanted to give up on his sadhana too... at least thats what i tell myself.

so today i walked slowly... unsteady on my feet.  slight dizzy, hot and cold flushes...

i walked in... and i sat.  and i noticed that even in my sitting on the ground in the centre of the labyrinth, i was still holding myself up.  so i sat a little deeper.  and then a little deeper.  until i felt completely held by mother earth.  i was completely held, and that i didn't need to hold myself up at all...  it was blissful in my fevered stupor.

i crawled back up the hill... and am hoping that tomorrow i will be clearer in mind and body.

with love.

labyrinth day 13 - wish upon a star.

ha!  so the irony is not lost on me after being so bold as to express my opinion on priorities yesterday that today is the day time runs away with me and its not till after my dinner date with paramjyoti and we get home at 9.30pm with a tired 4 year old that im still in need to fufill my commitment to my sadhana and walk ma labyrinth.

but i did it...

and it invoked a new first... it was the first time i have ever walked her in the dark.  and while i can honestly say that it was not the slowest or most contemplative cycle that i have done,  it did remind me of the very first walk in this sadhana where i had walked down alone. (even though this time Paramjyoti was with me) fear was present.  the dark.  bears.  cougars, coyotes...  and i realize just how much beauty we miss when we are stepping forward in fear.

never the less, im sure the next time i do it in the dark there will be less fear.  just as now walking down during the day by myself is no longer a fear-full experience.  instead, it is bliss.

the stars tonight are exquisite.  the night is clear,  and the aurora borealis are supposed to be seen tonight,  although i didn't see any.

a full day has been, and tomorrow bids another one just as abundant.  so without another minute to keep me from sleep.

loka samasta sukinaam bhavantu.  may all beings know happiness.  this is my wish upon the stars tonight.

bonne nuit...

labyrinth day 11 - harvesting the moment.

so i tried to take a movie of it... but i didnt have enough space on my phone to fit the file.  clearly she didnt want to be immortalized through film.  however i did manage a few more photos of her today.  space and things that people have made as an offering to her.  leaving a little bit of their shakti back with it...

the air is crisp today.  the perfect fall day.  no clouds,  about 10 degrees.  there is an air of nourishment about it.  the question "what do i need to take care of, so that i am nourished through the winter.  what food?  what warmth?  what joy?"  these are what i think about... and then im flooded with gratitude.  for, i have options.   we all do.

  Krishna and Radha sit against the rose quartz which holds the point of confluence for the labyrinth.   all lines, all roads, lead to love.

tiny rocks bathed by Ma Ganga, now sit in the sun of Niwas.

Dragonflys,  always such an omen to me of the Divine mothers blessings... 

instead of spending these days wishing for summer to come back,  what can you do to harvest THIS moment,  so that the winter to come is one of deeper and intense nourishment, rather than survival till the sun comes back.  

labyrinth day 8 - riding the wave of the moon

inhale, exhale.... repeat

its the last supermoon of 2014.  and im kinda glad that its the last.

the energy over the last few days has been intense.  no matter what i have been experiencing it has been extremes.  if im tired,  ive felt exhausted.  if im joyful, i feel slightly giddy with bliss.

most of day was exhausted,  but this evening we started the monday night yoga classes again, and to see the room full with 10 beautiful and mindful women was delightful.  it really was full-of-light.  breath flowing, bodies moving with precision.  an offering to the divine mother, and offering to the Self.  it was lovely.

todays labyrinth walk i was tired and crabby as i walked in.  so easily frustrated by what i deem as disrespectful.  indigent has such a sour face.   and i sat in the middle,  the dogs came for cuddles.  really... dogs are prozac with fur.  so much joy, and love, and devotion with every nuzzel.  they hold such a special place in my experiance of life.

the wind changed,  and the sun came out from the clouds.  i got up to walk out and the familiar feeling of joy washed over me.  connected.  peaceful.  the same one that seems to come with each walk of the her rings.  its addictive.  i love it.

i walked down there dragging my feet with exhaustion.  i came up only slightly fatigued and worked on the root cellar till class....

inhale, exhale.... ride the crazy wave of the moon and just keep breathing.

labyrinth day 5 - i'm human

anticipation

individual
emotional
fear
attachment
escape
ignorance
lies

fatigue.  burning.  searching.  already here.  surrender.

truth
discernment
bliss
love
trust
joy
human

om


i realized today as i walked back from ma labyrinth that ive always considered being human as "someone who has fallen from grace, who is less than god, who is less than heaven, who has sins to atone for and therefore has been banished to earth to figure it out".    anyone spot the ex catholic?

how many times have we gotten to a place where we feel we have failed, where we feel that we are less than, where we pity ourselves, and find ourselves saying "im only human".

but i walked today contemplating the 8 rings of the labia, in terms of the chakras.  in terms of the development form shadow to light.   in terms of kundalini, colour, of evolution.

we come into her through the 3rd ring, manipura, ego, individual, and leave her from this place, having touched each aspect, walked each ring.  having sit in the centre on the mothers lap of earth.   to start the walk, and finish the walk in the 3rd, spoke to me of the importance of the 3rd dimension.

 i wonder,  maybe, to be human, is actually the highest honor of this 3rd dimensional experience.   we are told this after all,  to be born human is the most evolved in this reality.  but what does it actually mean?   to be a walking, talking, avatar of god. to rise into our humanness, instead of falling.   for manipura is the highest of the dimensions of the mortal experience.  to master manipura, come into the right relationship with the ego, right action, step forward from thy will, surrender, serve, is to realize oneself as god, embodied in this realm of physicality.  to realize that you are god, in body,  is in fact, to be human.

Labyrinth day 3 - rock and a hard place.

today it has rained.  and i mean RAINED.  we have had more rain than before april this year...

it took to about 4pm for it to finish enough for me to head down to the labyrinth.   it has been a day between feeling like a rock and a hard place.

feeling that by standing up for what i feel is fair, right,  will alienate people who i have much time for.  and yet by not speaking up,  could, lead to tragedy, or even death for someone or some people.

it sucks to feel that your damed if you do, and your damed if you dont.  and after watching my own passionate emotions circle for hours,  i came to the decision that if i didnt say something, and something did go wrong,  i too would be at fault.  maybe not legally, but morally.   if you know someone is going to do something stupid, illegal, and maybe get someone else hurt... do you tell the people who have the tools to nip it in the bud?

and if the answer is yes,  then why do i feel so glum about it?  i dont like to ruffle feathers.  steeped in my own desires to be liked. under my over exuberant surface,  im quiet sensitive you see.

this is what i pondered as i walked today.  i took some photos, for you to see,  of scenes of loveliness, fairy dwellings that reside within her arms.  my offering today was lichen that had fallen to the ground from the tree.  today, i had to let go of the mind of dualism, and trust my heart.   follow the beauty and dont worry about the feathers.

 crown of semi precious'ness

joyful buddha

 and ancestors of the isle sitting against the rock of love.

 the water rock at the centre of the labyrinth.  holds a special place,  it has equal U shaped ridges upon its surface denoting that it was at the bottom of a tidal pool.  like an ocean or a great lake.  it was found but 200ft from the labyrinth herself.  at niwas, on the side of the hill.

again today in the centre of the labyrinth i got dizzy,  like a frequency was available there that was intoxicating.  i didnt have time to sit and immerse myself in it.  maybe tomorrow,  we shall see what comes...

Labyrinth day 2. - Fear and Lichen

as i walked down to the labyrinth today i realized something.  it scares me.  even with the 2 dogs.  and paramjyoti up at satyam, i was keenly aware that i was alone, that i didnt have my phone, or bear spray, and that i was scared.  it was cold.  it had just had a good down pour for about 10 mins.  and the cuffs of my pants were soaking by the time i got down there.

did it stop me?  no.  but i became acutely aware of the tension in my throat,  the heaviness in my heart,  and a little sadness under my anxiety also. and i realized that when im tired, i simply dont have the shakti to see past the clouds.   sleep,  and rest,  not exactly 2 things ive had alot of in the last 5 years, but its catching up with me now.  realizing that to be my best,  i need to rest.

  as i walked in, i just walked, whats my question?  nothing.  whats my intention?  one foot in front of the other.  to be here, now, to be open.
 random thoughts entered me,  nothing profound,  nothing worthy of entertaining.  just a heaviness, an emptiness.

at the centre i crouched by the rose quartz with both hands on her,  no questions, no prayers, no, nothing... except, the overwhelming fascination with how beautiful lichen is.  its so stunning, regardless of its shade or texture.  its one of my favorite aspects of nature.  for some reason i atribute lichen to natures innate beauty.  it needs the water, (emotion), it needs it to be cool, damp.  just as i was in that moment,  and yet, it thrives there, its so darn beautiful!

 and then i stood to go, but it was different, something had changed,  the anxiety was there, the cold and damp was there,  but i dreaded the labyrinth finishing, i wanted it to keep going, for hours, and hours, there was a comfort, a connection, a feeling of being held as i walked out that wasnt there on the way in...

tomorrow... ill do it again.

Labyrinth Sadhana - Day 1. - one step at a time.

Hi all,  firstly i would like to say i'm sorry for my huge gaps on this blog over the last months... its been a challenging summer and i have not wanted to bore you with words for the sake of them.  sometimes silence is better.

We have, however, had some amazing retreats here lately.  with the week long intensive of the chakra immersion retreat, and just this weekend with the lovely and nurturing yoga ecology retreat.

It was with the crew for this retreat that i started talking to the woman about my dream of people coming and staying down at the labyrinth for personal retreats of walking the labyrinth say,  11 times a day,  having food provided and bought down to the camper, and committing to a 3, 5, 7 or 11 day stint.  

So i have decided, on a smaller scale, to commit to one myself.  for myself.  by myself.  to see how the evolution of this practice resonates with me over a 30 day period.  so im committing to walk the Niwas labyrinth every day for 30 days.  blogging each day about what my experience was...  some days i might have allot to say,  some days i might not have anything but the acknowledgement that i have in fact completed that day.

So today,  the 1st september was my first one.  The intention was GRATITUDE.  more as a closing to the ecology retreat rather than the starting of an intensive sadhana... but it was profound non the less.

There was a lightness in me today as i walked her.  I have in fact felt quiet heavy for the last 3 months or so.  Depressed some would say.  but for me that holds to many societal projections for what you think my experience was.  rather than the reality of what it has been.

Today, narayan, who rarely comes down to the labyrinth, and rarely can stay quiet enough for me to focus, truly became part of the experience in the most beautiful way.  he walked behind me, then in front of me for the walk in.  he was quiet.  he seemed to understand the importance of the quiet.  then when we got to the middle he very quietly asked. "mama i need cuddles in the green sweater".  so i picked him up and wrapped him in me.  and we walked out as one.  it was beautiful.  he was snuggly.  gentle.  and i appreciated the feeling that we were deeply connected.  that i am,  was, and will always be his mama... to find comfort in my arms no matter what.

Today, as we walked together,  i felt grateful for being able to share niwas with others, i felt grateful that the teachings were resonating with the people and that transformation was possible, one breath at a time.  i felt grateful for my family, i felt grateful for being alive.  i felt grateful for living in a place where we are in no imminent threat of violence.  i felt grateful for being able to live with wonder,  the wonder that so many have lost, as their lives are torn apart by greed, ulterior motives and grudges.  thier reality plunged into thier imminent survival or demise.  i felt grateful for this moment to breath, to wonder about the divine, about love, about grace, about peace

Today, i felt myself consider emerging from the chrysalis that i have been encapsulated in for the summer.   To peek out and see what i have morphed into,  to see what has become...

are you coming with me?  leave me a note... and together we shall walk the labyrinth, one step, one breath at a time.

be held by the earth
allow yourself to transform on the wind
be nourished by the rain
and bask in the sun

for all you were looking for was right here with you.

yoga ecology 2014

Life Through A Yogic Lens #2 - The F Word.

Question: The further I go on my spiritual path the deeper I feel love, joy etc. however the more sensitive I feel to things I once felt removed from, ie the pain in this world, with that has come a great level of fear as well. I know love is said to cast out fear but I find the more I love the more highlighted the fear. What tools do you suggest implementing to step out of this fear?

Offering: Ah.... The F word. As we step into Navaratri (the 9 nights of Durga) on monday the 31st March, its a great time to contemplate our relationship with the Divine Mother as Durga, especially though our relationship to the experience of fear.

Many people think that fear is to be avoided. Its not. Its a very human, very real, very necessary experience to help us navigate this experience of life. It is a gift from Ma Durga to be able to experience the root of life, which is Mooladhara Chakra. And we must root to rise. The energy through this chakra on the emotional level can be experienced as fear, known as anxiety, which moves up the body and stimulates the sympathetic nervous system or fight or flight, or faith/trust which moves down the body, is rooted in trusting the Divine for the perfection of this moment, this reality but not identified with it.

You see, Fear, symbolized by the lion, (sometimes tiger) that Durga is seen riding, is not riding her. She is riding it. It is present in her world, but it does not dominate her, she is using this fear to transport her into action, to right action. To slay the demons of ignorance and illusion. Fear to Durga is not something that is to be avoided, cowered, or discarded. It is a sacred energy that must be harnessed. In the face of fear, often we seek distraction, suppression, or avoidance when what is actually being asked of us is to actively seek to end the suffering of illusion and ignorance, bringing us into truth, into Faith. Trusting that we are all held by the Divine mother in this leela (play) of the souls evolution though the human experience. That all we experience, no matter how painful, (actual pain, not the fear of pain perceived or projected) is for our ultimate healing, to spur us forward into the experience of the One. Atma. Consciousness.

Fear, is rooted into the identification of the souls human experience having a beginning and an end. To not be in control of when/how we die. Who we leave behind. As a mother, this is something I am very intimate with. To fear death is to finally find the joy in living, now we must find the joy in living the unknown, even death.

When we experience fear the first thing to do is shift our awareness into trust. Then from this trust, shift it into action. There must be action for there to be the full cycle of transmutation. Remembering that sometimes right action is to do nothing. Action from fear creates chaos, confusion. Action from trust creates inner calm, contentment, clarity.

Mooladhara (trust/fear) is the foundation of our 3rd Dimensional experience, and Manipura is the peak of our 3rd dimensional experience. To get from one to the other we must move through the emotional waters of Swadhisthana chakra. The purification of the waters, through bringing forth our unconscious samskaras (memories), that seem so real but are really just an illusion, into a witnessing, a discernment to what is illusion and what is real.

Then we open ourselves to the next step, this is where the opening to Love comes in.

Just as to praise the dead is to truly grieve, and the grieve the living is to truly praise. This is the human expression of Love. Which, the same frequency as fear/faith but mirrored in the higher chakra of Anahata (the heart) just like ice and water are the same make up but different expressions. Mooladhara the root, and Anahata the heart, are the foundations of two different realities. 3D and 5D

So when you want to love more, work on your faith. When you want to transmute fear, root into the the unconditional love and protection of the Divine mother.

Though awareness of our actions, our sadhana (practice) to Durga in this auspicious time of Navaratri, we have a real opportunity to consciously step from the foundational 4 of Fear, to the liberated 5 of Faith.

Om Dum Durgayai Namaha!

The Value of a Life.

Homesteading is hard work.  Not the kind of hard work where you want to give up, but the kind that supports your growth as a soul, as a human, makes you face the tough questions.  Homesteading puts life into perspective, right down to its core of life and death.

In the West we are so afraid of death.  We acquaint it with failure, with loss, with something we have to fight against.  But this life, in all its dualism, is a beautiful mess,  a tragic celebration, a cherished agony, homesteading.

The last couple of months at Niwas have been a lesson in just that... life and death.

As a homesteader, a farmer, life and death is not as emotional as off the land.  It has a price tag. And i don't mean that cruelly, but honestly.   6 or so weeks ago our pied (black and white) Muskovy ducks started to get sick.  The others were fine,  but these 3, one by one... got sick and died.  It was distressing, frustrating, sad.  It was a dilemma i had never had been faced with before, well, not since the 6 chickens died at the beginning of the winter, but at that time i was in shock, and survival mode, not so much the witness of my experiance. You see, you have ducks on a farm for 3 reasons.  Eggs, Meat and fly control.  We are vegetarian, so meat dosn't really count,  and they arnt laying... so really its fly control that we have them for.

As they got sick, (which seemed to be starting with frozen swollen feet, to lethargy, to death) i had to come to terms that beyond basic first aid (cleaning and warming their feet, separating them with food so they didn't have to compete to eat) it wasn't realistic to have them get better.  I tried everything i knew, and the reached out to the duck community to ask for their advice, wisdom and suggestions... but the last option was the vet,  of which they said they didn't have the expertise and the duck would have to be flown to vancouver. Which would mean hundreds of dollars.  Even if the vet could handle it,  you walk through the door and its $60.  A Muskovy duck fetches between $20 - $40 on average.    So the 3 pied ducks died... nursed by myself to the end, but the end came for each.

Then came Prem.  Our first baby buckling who we spent hours intervening to give him the best start in life. Too weak to stand up, he couldn't get the nutrients he needed, and it was -20 so hypothermia was a certainty.  His umbilical cord was thickened.  Possible hernia, but i didn't think so.  On all other accounts he seemed as healthy as can be.

When you name something Prem (love) and you strip your clothes to give him the kangaroo, skin to skin, heart to heart,  treatment so that he will survive you can bet there is an emotional connection.  There is for all the animals,  but in varying degrees.

So when his umbilical cord got infected and didn't look like it was going to fall off like it needed too we got again in the same predicament, the value of his recovery vs. the value of his life.  A stud buck (which we were hoping him to be) costs around $100 - $150.  For a meat buckling your looking at $50 - $75.  To go to the vet, your looking at $60 for the consult, $50 for antibiotics, and $300 for surgery. 

Where do you draw the line?  It is not viable from a business stand point to pay $300+ to have a healthy goat that realistically could be 2-3 healthy goats for the same money.  Never for a moment would I want anyone, animal or human to suffer even a minute but you also cant emotionally be spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on every animal at the vets.  This is why a basic understanding and kit for first aid is crucial and having a husband thats a nurse comes in handy as well - he's not afraid of needles.

We decided to invest in Prem and took him to the vets for an ultrasound to see if it was a hernia or not. (A hernia is when the internal organs protrude the outside of the body because the abdominal wall is torn)   It wasn't, thank goodness, and with the consult and the antibiotics came to just over $100.  So we were lucky.

But to be extremely honest with you, there were tears,  trying to way up all the scenarios, the outcomes, the treatment options.  The pressure was huge,  the feeling that this being's life was in your hands and pragmatism had to play a part.  It was such and oxymoron.  To have to decide the value of a life.

And then there was Naata,  the Great Pyrenees puppy that ate a skunk with his mother on Saturday,  drove from Manitoba to Alberta on Sunday, from Alberta to us on Monday,  wouldn't eat on Tuesday and was dead by Wednesday.  Really?  was 24 hours long enough for such an emotional attachment to a little being that my streams of tears for hours was warranted?  understandable?  Or was it the helplessness,  the shock itself that elicits such grief?  Or maybe its a slight relief that i didn't have to make the decision,  that it was made for me between dusk and dawn.  We didn't even realize he was sick, we thought that he was depressed from being separated from his family,  scared of his new surroundings.  Its possible it was bone fragment ingested by eating the skunk that pierced his internal organs.  But even that is speculation,  one that gives me comfort.  So i hold on to it.

Why do we so fiercely fight death?  Why do we so strongly hold onto this reality? How do we love fully without attachment?

Maybe a short life as a duck is a huge blessing.  Maybe cycling through a glimpse of time as a puppy is all that is needed to clear the karmas at hand.  This for me is where faith comes in.  Acknowledging that I don't know the answers,  that when I make any decision on the well-being of our animals its from a place of love, of concern, of ultimate good.  Not from a place of emotional attachment.

Its such a strange reality we live in.  Where we have to consider the value of a life in terms of money.  Even humans get to the point where they draw a line on the cost of treatment vs. their attachment to life.

People think that homesteading is romantic.  It can be.  But its also hard work, especially on the inside.

Sometimes Love comes as a surprise.

Prem Goati - our little Love Goat was born on Friday the 7th Feb at Noon.  This is related to The Great Debate    post back in December as to if Poppy was pregnant or not... thinking no, she was taken back for breeding last month.  

So you can imagine my surprise on Friday when Paramjyoti went to give the goats some water and came out yelling like there was a cougar in the yard!   Narayan started yelling. "baby goat mum there's a baby goat!".

It took us 4 hours to get him responsive.  Not sure how long he had been there (maybe as long as 2 hours since we did the watering last) but he was initially bleating, but then quickly got very quiet and non responsive.  We took him back out to his mum to see if she would nudge him into life but at -25 it quickly became apparent that we needed to get him warm and fast.

We put him in a warm bath, submerging his body but keeping his head up.  Dripping some colostrum into his mouth, one drip at a time. (Yes suddenly we also had to learn how to strip and milk mama goat...)

He seemed to go to sleep and although was warm on the outside his mouth was still cold.  So we decided to Kangaroo him.  I stripped from the waste up and got a hot water bottle.  Sandwiched him in between me and the hot water bottle with his head on my heart.  I wrapped us both up in a towel and sat in front of the woodstove...  After about 30 mins of this... he started to make noises and twitch his limbs.

 Meanwhile Paramjyoti was figuring out how to get more colostrum out of Poppy who was in clear distress that her baby was gone.   Too cold to take him back outside he has slept the first 2 nights by the fire and will again tonight.  Spending visits outside with mum,  at -20 - -9 its still too cold to leave him out there for too long.  He was very weak, but on day 2 now, he is starting to get curious about his new world.


Welcome to the Niwas family Prem!

An Ity bit of effort goes a long way...

Well here we are for the 1st January 2014.  And while i'm a fan of resolutions/sankalpas I think its all too easy to say you will do something, and not follow through.   I, you, we all need accountability to help us stay the course and follow through on something.  So you, this blog, is my accountability for my sankalpa.

This year I thought it would be great to take a journey through Sw. Sivananda's 18 Ities starting with today, and having a new one every week until i'm through all 18.  You too are welcome to join me, in fact, it would be great to compare notes at the end of the week (Wednesdays) to see what our experience is.  After all, its not about getting something right or wrong in your life, its about bringing more awareness to qualities that can aid us in our development as humans, as evolving souls.

So i have a set of Ities, much like angel cards.  and this week I have pulled SIMPLICITY.

Simplicity, to me, is about paring down an intention, an experience, until all that is left is what is really important.  Most of the time what is important to start with isn't what we think it is when we start.

It can mean being more present, in the moment,  only doing one task at a time.  (hard for a mama sometimes).
It can mean pulling out the quality in a task (kindness, compassion, honest...) and putting all our energy into fulfilling that quality. Watching in the process how many of the actions we thought that task needed just melt away...

Ive often watched at how the mandates of spiritual life simplify as we walk further down the road.  We start with all these techniques, ideas... only to find that to SERVE, LOVE, GIVE is the way.  It simply is that...  not saying that it is always easy.  but it is simple.

Do you make tasks more difficult, more complicated than they need to be?  for one week, can we shine a light on it? make new choices and see what happens?

So heres to a week of simplicity.  Simple eating, simple actions, simple intentions...

You are not alone...

I've had a few blogs over the years. One when I was living in Costa Rica,  alone, in the jungle with 2 iguanas and a colony of bats.  Then I had one when I was living in Vancouver,  to supplement a series of teachings I was sharing on Yoga.

So here I am again, starting another blog.  Why?  Im not really sure.  Except that I find myself in a life so magical, so absurd, so... real, that there has to be some comfort, entertainment, and connection in it with others.  My intention for this blog is to relate and share real examples of 3 key points to the readers.  1) You are not alone in this life, 2) Never give up on your dreams, and 3) life, well, its all about how you look at it.  We really do create our realities.  

So i share what is on here as a way of dissecting my intricate reality, as a "grihastha ashrama" or "karma sannyasi" (meaning house-holding yogi), a mother, a wife, a homesteading farmer.

Some blog posts will be on yoga, some on the day to day farming, some on being a teacher, some on being a student.  But to me these things are not separate, they are not labelled and tucked in different doors of my mind.  They are the intertwining of my life.  They are what makes my reality what it is... 

Some things on here you will agree with, some things on here you will disagree with.  But i promise you, what i write on here will be real.  So with open hearts, open minds and a bit of a giggle... here we go.