in every intensive sadhana there is a moment of death. where things will never be the same again, where there is a choice. to live, or die. its a simple choice we actually make many times a day, every time we inhale, every time our heart beats. but in a sadhana there is always a pivit point to which it moves to, and then moves from.
yesterday was my moment. to embrace this new opportunity of life in a way i have never done before, or to let go. i was so ill yesterday i could hardly move. my back was out, my energy was 0, and i say reading most of the day, going between chair outside, and the chair inside. it was all i could do, go between the two.
on my walk yesterday i could hardly even function. i couldn't see straight, i couldn't think straight. i did my best to give you a glimpse of my mind in the passage i wrote.
as i sat inside at around 7pm, feeling like death warmed up. zapped of all inspiration, it was paramjyoti that i watched. i looked at him trying to navigate a full day of baking 150 loaves of bread after 4 full days at the hospital. navigating narayan. the house, me. i watched as he didnt give up, but clearly, he was at the end of what he had. he needed me. he needed to not do this alone. he wanted me to rest. but he couldn't do it alone.
now this might sound a bit melodramatic, self indulgent, delusional. after-all, if someone was to happen to me, he would have to do it alone, and he would find a way. but yesterday, these were the eyes i saw through. and i offer my humbleness, my fallibleness, my raw honesty on what my mind dwelled on.
and as i sat there i decided, i dont want to be sick anymore, (not that i "wanted" to to begin with) but that being sick was no longer an option. but i realized that it put me at a cross roads of choice. i had a choice to make. i had options. but there was life to be had, and i needed to get off the chair and have it. i choose life. i choose health. i choose gratitude. i choose to rest more so i dont get so tired. so i lent forward from the chair to get a glass of water before me, and as i did i heard a "click". and my back popped back in. yes, it really was just like that. i lent forward with my right arm, and my back popped back in.
this morning i woke for the first time in 5 days with no headache or sinus infection. i woke with tentative energy. i woke with an appetite.
and i realized that it is exactly 7 years to the month, since i last made this same decision. to choose to live in service. to do what needs to be done. to be grateful. to choose, life.
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