7pm. Been dropped off at the labyrinth. I wouldnt need so much stuff but im expecting it to be chilly and i need all the havan paraphernalia.
8pm. Havan is completed. Avi ran home so paramjyoti brought him back down to me. Its getting dark with only a few clouds. I smudged the labyringth. Pee'd in the 4 directions on the outside of the labyrinth. Circled 3 times while offering sage and lavender with mantras to durga. Offered bhasma at each main rock on the path. An AUM symbol on the main rock where my head will be.
I have sw niranjan facing out to the west. And sri swamiji facing out to the east. Sw satsangi facing to the south.
The moon is exactly half. Just to the spouth of me.
9pm. Have been sitting in mantra for the last hour. Stars are coming out. A few planes overhead. I wonder if they see my small fire and if they wonder what is happening.
Im feeling quiet calm, apart from Avi growling in different directions every few minutes. Im not if ill last all night if he keeps it up. It rattles the nerves. My saving grace is lola who only perks up every now and then.
Until 10.18. When half dozing i heard a twig break down the hill. Funnily enough so did the dogs. And all barking hell broke loose. Sigh. In the second between hearing it. And the dogs unleashing thier fury I opened my eyes and saw the most beautiful shooting star. Not really having the oppotunity to dwell in its luminousity i somehow got from lying completly horizontal under a sleeping bag, Blanket, plastic sheet and tarp to in the truck parked near by before i even realised what had happened. Another Sigh.
9.30pm. Just had rain for 10 mins or so. Im cold and sighty shivering. Fire is out now. And im hunkered down in my sleeping bag. I may not last the whoe night if i cant get warm. But we shall see. I have a sheet of plastic over the top of my sleeping bag. And a tarp underneath me. At least the dog has not growled in the last 4 mins or so. All has gone quiet. The moon is now behind trees. I miss it. The stars are beautiful. Devi mantras fill y brain. With krishna and sri swamiji at my head. And mary and sw niranjan at my feet i sunggle in and hope to sleep.
10pm. If it seems to be raining in your life. Look up and see it is the heavens showering blessings to cleans you. Even if you percieve them as cold and wet.
It has calmed down allot. Its cold though. But im doing ok. The dogs are quiet. I feel the still of night.
Now 10.20. I have to make a decision. A few of them actually. Still damp and shivering from the rain im thinking not the best idea to go back into the labyrinth. The chance of me getting back to the stillness not likely. So to satyam? Or the cabin? Drive the truck down the gas line (which i dread even in the day time) or walk?
Having decided not to stay. I somehow very calmly make several trips to the centre to get all the stuff. Even while avi is still barking up a storm. Truck is now packed. Druve or walk? I pee. Again. And decide to calmly and slowly do my final lap out. Chanting the name of devi as i did. I kept wantkng to say "im sorry i have failed. Too much fear. Not enough trust. Im sorry".
I decide to walk to the cabin. Grabing my sleeping bag and pillow i try to save which little face i have left by walking up. Yes. As i write this i feel shame. I figure it will pass but still right now i acknowlege it.
10.54. So im lying on the futon in the cabin. Its nice to still be alone. Wish i could still see the stars. But its warmer in here. And i can take off my wet outer layer so im feeling better. Sigh.
Maybe ill have a dream that will help me understand.
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu shanti roopena shabtita. Namataste. Namataste. Namataste namo namaha.