life is short

life is short, days are shorter

left brain right brain left brain right,

all day i fully engage my institutional brain in the world of form, numbers, baths and bedtime

all day running from one to another, 

10am, what? its dinner time!,  why havn't you cooked? 

the dishes didn't get done today,  but 4 books of accounting did,

i spend all day accounting for money,  and i feel spent,  the irony is not lost on me. 

i feel hardened,  empty.

there has been no art in my day, no breath, no time, no dreaming, no listening. no soul.   just numbers. money. to prove our financial worthiness to build the bakery,  so that we can bake niwas bread, so we can nourish the community, so niwas can nourish every belly and soul of all who comes here.  

the bank dosnt care how many hours you volunteered to classes, that sometimes the "donation" for the class is a bag of freshly picked string beans, or a absolutely gorgeous hand made poncho for your child (by the way... all garden vege or things made by hand and with love are well appreciated).  the bank dosn't care how many hours you spent on the phone with students, listening, helping, advising, consoling.  just how many privates did you teach?   The bank dosnt care how many loaves you gave away to families who are scraping by,  dropped off a loaf or 2 to families who had members that were ill, or just had babies.  it just wants to know how many did you sell.   The bank does not care about how many tears you wiped,  hands you held, or bellies you fed.  Just how much money you could rake in. 

yes... this is why niwas is run by a non profit.  but non profits can't get bank loans to build.  

our 3D world has such a warped view of value.  how many students do you need to run a workshop?  what are the numbers?  how much profit is there?  WHO CARES!  if ONE person shows up,  and i can offer ONE thing that helps thier life,  is that not enough?  WHO CARES! if there is not 6 people who want to come to the workshop.  if one does...  and one needs it.  

who cares?  the numerous people who hold the loans.  thats who...

  every day it is a reality that i find harder and harder to engage with, to relate to.  yet,  its my duty to do all the accounting.  but none of it matters,  if the Divine wants a bakery, we will have a bakery.  Do the numbers, and let go.  be open to the miracle.   

i said to narayan today,

"i have 4 things i need to get done before dinner,

1) write a letter

2) do a load of dishes

3) do the animals

4) give you a bath

"ooh ooh i have 3 things we have to do first"

oh yes?

1) cuddle

2) burp... giggle giggle

3) watch a movie together cuddling and  drink bucky beer (ginger beer)

"thats 4 things"  

"no its not!  the burp didnt count"... giggle giggle...

sigh...   the 5 year old gets it.  how could we have forgotten?  none of it matters,  the connections you have with others,  thats the only thing that has true value.  how can we shift our societal reality into a paradigm that can bring this back into balance?  we want everyone to do the same thing.  make money, as much as possible, for as little effort as possible.  but there is no value in money.  there is worth.  but no value.  the actions we emit, the connections we make, the time we take, that holds value.

i see my opportunity.  i change tactics.  move the movie and cuddles to first.  then the letter.  the dishes can wait.  and the bath can happen while i whip up a meal.  cauliflower.  every day needs some sort of flower... right?

life is short,  days are shorter,  

left brain right

its time for me to say... goodnight.