The Presence of Christmas....

Firstly may I say,  Merry Christmas to all of you reading this.  I don't mean this flippantly,  I really mean,  may your life be filled with the merriment of your mass (union) with Christ consciousness.  cause, thats what its about right?  well, for me anyway... and lets face it... we need to say merry christmas every day, not just on the 25th December.

So i'm sitting here on a crisp and stunningly crystal clear snow laden christmas morning.  Hot cup of liquid balm wrapped among my fingers as I sit and watch the sun make its slow and remarkable rise into the sky.  It really is night and day in perspective once the sun hits a tree.  it moves from the black and white contrast of flat shapes before dawn,  to a brilliant firing of greens and golds as each ray touches its branches.

Watching Narayana play amongst the "things" he has unwrapped, like a locomotive with momentum, devouring everything in its path,  only briefly stopping to make sure that in fact the tag has a word starting with "N" on it, which means it must be for him.

"Things",  3D forms symbolizing love and remembrance.  Not really about the things at all,  but in the remembrance of the connection made with the person that has sent the gift to you, you experience that presence rather than presents is truly the gift of life.

Our tree,  for the most part an unconscious ritual of "what we do at christmas", seems to take on a new life for me this morning.  It tells me a tale of symbolism, of significance, of its place in the ceremony of life that we are actually celebrating.

We take a tree (of life),  and wrap it in light.  We call in the orbs of the ancestors and light beings that blur the dimensional realm,  mix them in with the quirky  memories of our human existence,  the tree decorations that you've had for... years.  Each time taking you back to the remembrance of where you were when you got it,  how it came to be,  why you kept it.  A real tree I feel is important,  for what in life truly has value without the understanding and acknowledgement of sacrifice, something that must be given up, in order to beckon the new?  In gratitude our tree offers itself, its life to be consumed and transformed into its place of ritual.

So we have a totem of life, of sacrifice, of light and of the orbs of ancestors and beings that connect us beyond the mundane.  And we offer it gifts.  We wrap our tokens of love in the surprise of the unknown, we let them sit,  bake, under the light of life, for days, weeks,  letting each 'presence' be infused with the magic of love and light that is the christ consciousness.  Like prasaad at a Havan,  after it has been offered to the alter,  we then consume it ourselves,  allowing that energy to be taken into our being.  Thus,  we unwrap the presents.  The tokens of 'presence' that keep the connections of love between family, friends, community.

So let the gifts of this day be conscious, let it be filled with heart opening remembrance, and may the light of Christ consciousness fire your being into the brilliance of life that you are.  And have yourself a very merry christmas now....

conclusion - final thoughts on my labyrinth sadhana.

wow... what a month.  something i have always wanted to do.  yet it took me 2 years to get around to it.  the sadhana was simple.  not easy. but simple.

to walk the labyrinth every day for the month of september.  to record my experience, authentically, humbly, and with venerability.

there were 2 days that i didn't write about my experience.  however i DID walk the labyrinth every single day.

the daily walk has been a wonderful constant for showing me the evolution of mind and emotion.

the first day i walked down i was so scared to go that far away from the teaching house without another human.  even with the dogs.  im known to not want to walk from the front door to the generator at night by myself and have more than once called PJ at work to get him to talk to me while i do.

after a few days however i realized that the fear of walking it alone transformed to an experience that was joyful,  not fearful.  then i walked it at night with paramjyoti and again was terrified that it was dark.  running the loops trying to fulfil my obligation, and not wanting to dwell there a second longer.

so to go from there, to being able to sit alone last night through the dusk, into the pitch black of night was amazing for me.   yes i felt uneasy,  and i was disappointed that i didnt stay the whole night, and at the same time,  i was cold (0 degrees) and wet. with 2 dogs that wouldn't stop barking or being on full alert.

my initial, raw and honest feelings of shame of not completing the night have softened into tremendous gratitude for my ability to finish the sadhana without fear.  for after i jumped up in alert and dashed to the truck,  i didnt hop in and abandon my things and just leave in fear.  i slowly (while the dogs were still going berserk) and calmly, without fear, walked back and forth and cleaned up my sleeping bivvy until all trace was gone.  (about 4 trips) and then went back again and slowly and calmly walked every loop out.  completing the cycle.

deciding to walk up to the cabin was also huge for me.  and wasnt a dash in desperation in search of safety.  but a conscious decision to sleep warmly so that i could indeed get up at 5am and do my navaratri sadhana before getting narayan off to school and the animals done.

every moment is an opportunity.  to observe.  to use.  life, really is just one big science experiment.   "if i do this, what is the effect? how do i feel?  if i change my mental attitude to it, and do it again does the effect change?  does my feeling change? what is the effect im looking for (sankalpa/intention)?  how many times do i need to reconnect to the same action to tease out the layers and layers of conditioning before i no longer have any identification with the shadow emotion?  fear, guilt, shame, grief. "

how does this create freedom?  how does this create space?  its a constant conversation between you and the Divine.  this is what life is.  a conversation, an unraveling of all you unconsciously hold as true,  that in fact, is illusion.  thats all.  nothing more.  and certainly nothing less.  for after all... im human and i intend consciously and continuously live up to the opportunity.

the last thing i offer to share about this experience is the joy and encouragement it has given me to regularly (not continuously - but for set length of times,  at different times of the year)  challenge myself to a more intense and structured sadhana. now that i have a little more breathing space with narayan being of an age that i can do it.   There is so much value to putting ourselves out of our comfort zone, so that we may break the boundaries of ignorance of Self.

To do deeper sadhana not for an outcome, or the fruition of a prayer answered,  but for the curiosity of the experiment, the process the journey of unfurling the true Self.   It has to come through action though, not just contemplation of theories and philosophy.   It has to come for the joy in life, and the love of living it. This little thing we call the human experience.

labyrinth day 23 - electric

Today has been busy.  very busy.  and my walk of ma was pushed and pushed until it was right on dusk.

The 23rd september.  its the silver anniversary. 25 years since Sri Swamiji set foot on Rikhiapeeth's red and dusty soil.  the eve of Narayan's first day at school.  its the new moon in libra,  the autumn equinox.  in short... its a potent time.

As i walked down to ma today i could feel the electricity in the air.  there is a storm coming.  Blessings in the form of tiny drops of water to balm the dry earth.

I walked her bare foot.  and raised my arms to the sky as i stood in the middle.  i am human. i thought.  the conduit between the heaven and the earth.   fearless.   and then a bug flew in my ear and i jumped.  ok... maybe not completely fearless.  

I have been thinking allot about soul retrieval through novels.  to let your heart soar in the pages of a novel, is to reclaim, remember a part of your soul who wishes to be alive also in this hear and now.

is it a coincidence that as i do this Sadhana of walking the labyrinth - an ancient celtic symbol for the divine mother - that i am immersed in reading the outlander series?  i think not.  i find it fascinating.  humbling.  and a thrilling reclamation of a piece of myself that not only feels like its moving from that point.  but also moving to that point.  to understand what i mean... you will have to stay tuned.

i remember you

honey drips down my throat
cold water balms my forehead
salty tears roll down my face
as i remember you

Hare Krishna comes from my lips
Hare Rama rolls off my tongue
skin melts
eyes close
now, i remember you

Why Streisand Lost Her Voice. - making the connection between Swadhisthana and Vishuddhi chakras.

I watched an video this morning of Jian Ghomeshi interviewing Barbara Streisand about her newly released album "Partners". What kept my attention was Barbara's utter honesty; she spoke her truth with no apologies.  There was no hint of a 'script' that so many current artists stick to, afraid to hurt their careers with their truth.  She was real.  It was refreshing.

At precisely 20.35 she began to talk about how at one time she feared she was losing her voice.   She  explained that she was in America singing shows, and was feeling guilty that she had not gone on a tour with her husband in England, and she lost her voice.

I believe the two are directly related. You may ask: why would someone feeling guilty about something affect their voice?

From a yogic perspective, to understand this connection we have to understand the chakras.  People think of chakras as pretty spinning wheels of energy that you can pay $150 bucks to have cleaned out once in a while and your aura will be vibrant.  Wrong.

Chakras are portals which connect the higher frequencies of karma/archytypes and mental belief, through the emotions and into the physical reality.   These levels of frequency or sheaths are called the Koshas and chakras are connected to the level of frequency of the Pranamaya Kosha.  Chakras are portals that bring the unconscious to the conscious.   The only way to purify these chakras into their innate vibrancy is to "do the work" to neutralize the karmas, the beliefs that hold illusion.

Where does the guilt come in? Swadhisthana Chakra is found at the base of the spine or tailbone.  It is the portal into this 3D world we call the human experience.  It is connected to the water element, that is, your right and ability to feel emotion (energy in motion - emotion).  The shadow of Swadhisthana chakra is guilt.  We take information into this chakra through the tongue and we express it out through the reproductive organs and kidneys.  When we are unable to allow our emotions to flow, like water, then they become stagnant.  When prana, or energy, is not flowing then sound cannot resonate.  Sound, by nature is the resonance of particles within the frequency that we can hear.

Now it gets more advance. The chakras all work together. Vishuddhi chakra (meaning place of purification) is found at the throat,  and is the portal into our 5D reality.  It is situated in the spine at T1, at the base of the neck and is connected to the element of ether. 

You have the right to truth,  which ultimately is found inside of you and the shadow is lies.  We take information through this chakra through the ears,  and we express it through our vocal cords.  How we speak about a subject, the words we choose to use, tells us alot about where the rest of the chakras are functioning., what level of purification this person is able to incorporate into their reality all comes through how they speak about something.   When we cannot speak our truth,  it is because there is an emotion that is blocked.  To speak doesn't "feel" right.  It feels scary.  This is often when we need to speak, to a friend, to a confidant, or anyone who can hold our words without judgement.  The mere process of speaking allows the energy flowing again.

This is why it is so important when people are feeling emotions to speak their truth.  It helps the energy that has become stagnant to start flowing again.  Often when we  finally feel safe enough to speak about how we are feeling.  We cry.  

Showing how these two chakras are the mirror to each other. And that what is happening in the throat is happening in the hips, and what is happening in the hips is happening in the throat.   You cannot separate these two centres.

When you look at the Yantras (combination of geometric shapes that form the frequency of the chakras) it is Swadhisthana and Vishuddhi who both have the moon in their Yantra.  None of the others do. This again shows how these two chakras are linked to each other.  (Please note that Bindu Visagra is not a chakra, although it is learnt within the chakra system) this paragraph is very confusing is it necessary?

I believe that it is Ms. Streisand's ability to fully tap into her Swadhisthana chakra and her ability to feel the emotion behind each word as she sings, that is the reasons she is so talented and successful.  Her music shows the power of this connection.  When others are so disconnected to their emotions, listening to her sing, and to others who exude this connection between the joy of human life, emotion and music, gives them a taste of the frequency and potential that is available. This is why music is so powerfulIt is literally a portal to another reality.  Perhaps it was a time of Barbara’s life,  when she became blocked through her feelings of guilt,that she experienced the mirror to that stagnation, by losing her voice.   Luckily,  it was only temporary.

labyrinth day 14 - between you and me.

...there are boundaries.  sheaths of protection, both conscious and unconscious.  some societal.  some self imposed.

to me,  my life through the path of yoga is about bringing all these boundaries, or sheaths to the surface and really choosing which ones are necessary, which are not.   which support my connection to and as the divine,  and which create the illusion of separateness.

this is what i contemplated this morning as we cut and moved a tree out of the forest.

to give you some of the things i consider boundaries, mostly that create separateness are, clothes, talking, glasses, media, morality (from the perspective of believing you are morally superior - and you may be - eg.  in regards to ISIS or other negative or dark forces acting out in our reality at this time. )  what creates separation? and does all belief of separation actually hold us back from our experience of oneness with the divine?

one of the first things i woke up to this morning was an article calling ISIS supporters "monsters".  and while i am appalled by their actions, sick to my stomach, and utterly saddened, i believe it is a very slippery slope to de-humanize anyone.  ANYONE.   through de humanizing someone we can then justify actions towards them that we could not do against our brother, our sister.  isnt this exactly what THEY (ISIS) have done to these people who have become the beheaded pawns in a international game of power?  they are someones sons,  someones fathers, someones lovers.  both the victims and the perpetrators.

yesterday as i read an article about Mr Haines,  the BBC referred to him as "the David Haines".  now this might be a typo.  but my first response to reading this was "the media has made him an object.  hes already dead.  or about to be." and sure enough, by the end of the day, proof had come forward of his horrific departure from this world.  maybe its only when we create separation from the human do we seem to be able to cope with the reality of consciously inflicted pain.

so today, i decided to try and minimise the boundaries between me and the labyrinth.  so i walked her bare.  bare footed, bare skinned. bare bummed.  with the breeze on my skin,  with the acute awareness of warmth and coolness across my body as i walked from sun to shadow.  sun to shadow.  for isnt that what we do in life?  keep walking,  sometimes in the sunshine.  sometimes in the shadow.  but hopefully always forward.  momentum is the key,  to keep moving forward towards the centre of our being.

silence... we really fill the void, the sweet void of potential, with mindless chatter.  as though hearing our own voice allows us to be remembered that we were here at all.

there were so many more textures to be experienced walking her nude.  the grass brushing my skin as i walked past them.  the ground.  firm, yet slightly cool.   yet in its simplicity of removing my clothes i realized how removed i am from the whispers of nature simply by creating a barrier between me and mother earth.   if there was no separation between the human, and the mother,  could we really take as much oil?  could we really mine and dig into her flesh as we do?

now, im not saying im going to be taking my clothes off again any time soon... but as i strip the pieces of me that hold back, rather than open forward, i am going to keep exploring all the pieces of me that hold boundaries, my illusions of separation from MA.

labyrinth day 10 - something to look forward too...

today started off kinda rocky.  but has smoothed out to a lovely afternoon of collecting wood out the back of lost dog as a family.  its one of our favourite things to do together.  not sure why. its hard work.  but the fresh air, and sense of adventure looking for the perfect tree is always exciting.

its crisp here today.  fall is upon us.  i pray that it lingers and winter does not rush in for it is my favourite time of year.   thanksgiving, autumn colours.  crisp air but nothing yet frozen.

something interesting happened today.  i was contacted today by a swami,  a poorna sannyasin, who was actually the first to meet narayan when he was just 3 days old.   he has suggested that he comes to spend 5 days at niwas and celebrate the anniversaray of sri swamiji's maha samadhi with us, and the 1st year anniversary of niwas being open as a yoga centre.

i take this as a blessing from sri swamiji to have someone come here that was personally with him for 12 years.   to come and hold space with us as we transition over this milestone.  its bought me joy today and something to look forward to for when we come home from india ourselves.

as i walked the labyrinth today i kept imagining doing a walking video of tomorrows walk.  so that you can come and walk it with me... would you like that?  would you watch it?  it might be meditative, it might be like watching paint dry.  im not sure... but let me know what you think and if you would like it ill do it tomorrow.

tomorrow is also the last kimberley market for the season.  such blessings have been bestowed on us with the communities enthusiasm for niwas' bread.  im sad to see the market come to an end.  but im thrilled it was so successful as a project that it will be on again next year.

so in the contentment of this afternoon its time to go and make bread.  lots of yummy bread... for tomorrow will be here very soon.

labyrinth day 7 - full moon waters.

today was the last day of the "go with the flow" honey and yoga retreat.  it was delicious, in every way and im quiet tired by the weekends efforts.

today's walk to see ma was amplified by the gayatri havan we did just before it, and the dragonfly rock that ingrid gave me to offer Ma while i was down there.

theres nothing profound about today, except for the deep feeling that i have given my all, and now it is time to submerge in the waters of the full moon and replenish, rest and rejuvenate.

immense gratitude for the teachings of the weekend, and the dragonflys who to me, are alway ma durga saying that she is here, that we are blessed and that we are not alone.

jai ho!

Life Through A Yogic Lens #2 - The F Word.

Question: The further I go on my spiritual path the deeper I feel love, joy etc. however the more sensitive I feel to things I once felt removed from, ie the pain in this world, with that has come a great level of fear as well. I know love is said to cast out fear but I find the more I love the more highlighted the fear. What tools do you suggest implementing to step out of this fear?

Offering: Ah.... The F word. As we step into Navaratri (the 9 nights of Durga) on monday the 31st March, its a great time to contemplate our relationship with the Divine Mother as Durga, especially though our relationship to the experience of fear.

Many people think that fear is to be avoided. Its not. Its a very human, very real, very necessary experience to help us navigate this experience of life. It is a gift from Ma Durga to be able to experience the root of life, which is Mooladhara Chakra. And we must root to rise. The energy through this chakra on the emotional level can be experienced as fear, known as anxiety, which moves up the body and stimulates the sympathetic nervous system or fight or flight, or faith/trust which moves down the body, is rooted in trusting the Divine for the perfection of this moment, this reality but not identified with it.

You see, Fear, symbolized by the lion, (sometimes tiger) that Durga is seen riding, is not riding her. She is riding it. It is present in her world, but it does not dominate her, she is using this fear to transport her into action, to right action. To slay the demons of ignorance and illusion. Fear to Durga is not something that is to be avoided, cowered, or discarded. It is a sacred energy that must be harnessed. In the face of fear, often we seek distraction, suppression, or avoidance when what is actually being asked of us is to actively seek to end the suffering of illusion and ignorance, bringing us into truth, into Faith. Trusting that we are all held by the Divine mother in this leela (play) of the souls evolution though the human experience. That all we experience, no matter how painful, (actual pain, not the fear of pain perceived or projected) is for our ultimate healing, to spur us forward into the experience of the One. Atma. Consciousness.

Fear, is rooted into the identification of the souls human experience having a beginning and an end. To not be in control of when/how we die. Who we leave behind. As a mother, this is something I am very intimate with. To fear death is to finally find the joy in living, now we must find the joy in living the unknown, even death.

When we experience fear the first thing to do is shift our awareness into trust. Then from this trust, shift it into action. There must be action for there to be the full cycle of transmutation. Remembering that sometimes right action is to do nothing. Action from fear creates chaos, confusion. Action from trust creates inner calm, contentment, clarity.

Mooladhara (trust/fear) is the foundation of our 3rd Dimensional experience, and Manipura is the peak of our 3rd dimensional experience. To get from one to the other we must move through the emotional waters of Swadhisthana chakra. The purification of the waters, through bringing forth our unconscious samskaras (memories), that seem so real but are really just an illusion, into a witnessing, a discernment to what is illusion and what is real.

Then we open ourselves to the next step, this is where the opening to Love comes in.

Just as to praise the dead is to truly grieve, and the grieve the living is to truly praise. This is the human expression of Love. Which, the same frequency as fear/faith but mirrored in the higher chakra of Anahata (the heart) just like ice and water are the same make up but different expressions. Mooladhara the root, and Anahata the heart, are the foundations of two different realities. 3D and 5D

So when you want to love more, work on your faith. When you want to transmute fear, root into the the unconditional love and protection of the Divine mother.

Though awareness of our actions, our sadhana (practice) to Durga in this auspicious time of Navaratri, we have a real opportunity to consciously step from the foundational 4 of Fear, to the liberated 5 of Faith.

Om Dum Durgayai Namaha!

Life Through A Yogic Lens #1 - how do we consciously break patterning?

How do we consciously break patterning? - Ingrid Nilson

The key to consciously breaking a pattern is to first come into an awareness as to the link between belief, emotion, and outcome.  Often we have to work this backwards.  First we experience the outcome, we recognize that emotion is not positive, and then we link it back to the belief.  

For example,  your boyfriend gets akward and distant whenever you are really upset about something, you connect this to wanting him to help you feel good about yourself, because in fact, you are feeling unworthy of love, or are emotionally unavailable to yourself, and therefore illicit the mirror of him seeming emotionally unavailable.


We must be willing to acknowledge that anything in our reality that holds an uncomfortable or negative response or emotion in us, is in fact, our mirror.  The event is mirroring something in us that is unresolved.  We can't change how others behave.  But we do have the power to bring to the surface and consciously resolve whatever pain that event triggered in us.

"Vairagya" - or Non-attachment is a quality that can be strengthen with the practice of Antar Mouna (Inner Silence).   It is a practice that allows you to be able to WITNESS the Vrittis (disturbances or chatter) in the mind and remove the emotional attachment to these.  By doing this you shift the flow of unconscious manifestation of mind - emotion - outcome.  

For example, to continue the hypothetical scene above, by becoming emotionally available to ourselves.  Not needing the outside to behave in a certain way for us to feel secure, to feel loved, to feel supported.  All of these qualities are within us.  That is where the work is, to find these inside of ourselves.  Using the outside world as a mirror, a testing station for our evolution.


To consciously break a pattern we need to take responsibility for that pattern being about us, and not "them".  We need to witness the connection that plays out in our perception of reality.  We then consciously decipher the belief that is holding the pain.  Change it. And then surrender to a new reality.  For yogi's using this system, this is often why we have a teacher, someone who can help you navigate and clear the debris and supports you to use these systems to understand yourself better.  As all of these patterns are coming from the unconscious mind.  It takes effort, discrimination and discernment to peel the layers.

Anything that is not love, understanding, compassion, and surrendered.... is not real.  It is a perception that is asking to be peeled away.  from negative. to positive. and eventually to transcendence of both the Raga and Dvesha (likes and dislikes of our human reality) into Yog.

Yes, i'm a white yogini. No, i'm not a spiritual materialist.

So i woke up this morning to a barred of drivel on FB about "stealing the heritage of another culture to satisfy our unbridled greed and arrogance."  because your white.  That white people in the west are narcissistic, charlatans and spiritual materialists. (Im sorry i cant even keep a straight face while writing that).  And yeah.  like everything... you will find these aspects in people in the west teaching yoga.  But you will also find these in india. 


Being a white woman, a practicing yogini, as well as all the other labels you could accurately impose upon me only ever reaches to a very superficial understanding of my existence.  To say that someone who is white, and therefore will make a lousy shaman at best.  Has never met, nor explored the teachings/life of Tom Brown Jr and Grandfather.   Anyone who says that white people who practice yoga are stealing the indian culture.  Do not understand the difference between a spiritual lineage of teachings/  a philosophy, and culture. They do not understand that both shamanism and yoga (tantra/vedanta) do not belong to the colour of your skin., Or the place where you were born.  They were held safe from distortion in a part of the world, in a heart of the people there but they belong to the heart of the Divine.  

And thats what we as humans are trying to reconnect to.  Our own hearts that beat in time with the great mother.  Shamanism and Yoga are airily/comfortingly similar.  They may have different techniques.  Mind based or Nature based.  But really the intention for mastery is identical.  Many paths, One truth.  To understand the whole. To dissolve every part of us that feels separate from the whole.  To eventually dissolve into the whole.

Sri Swamiji Satyananda Saraswati foretold that Yoga will be the culture of tomorrow.  I pretty sure he didnt think we were all going to be running around in saris with the "shiva's tramp stamp" on our heads. (yes. an indian man actually wrote that in an article while dissing how white women had no place wearing a sari)  Not as a culture that is based on skin colour, on caste, on wealth, on creed or geographical birth.  But a culture, the human culture.  

Do I believe that north america has got it all wrong when it comes to yoga?  In short i would say, yes.  But lets not through out the baby with the bath-water.  We are in the Kali Yuga people.  Where people justify wiping out whole races to promote superiority.   Things are pretty screwed up.  But at least people are trying.  Do i like hot yoga? No. I think it really missis the yoga boat.  But people have to start someone where.  And eventually (maybe not in this lifetime) they will make it to a place where they can really strip down to focus on the actual teachings that will lead them into their highest potential.

Cause really, thats what Yoga, Shamanisim, Druidism or any of the other spiritualities are for... to give us a road map to step into our highest potentials. Not as humans, but as souls.  Using this human experience as a testing ground,  a launching pad.  
So lets talk about spirituality, and the lineages of these ancient traditions not from the human 3D, you/me, black/white, here/there perspectives.  But from the perspectives that the teachings actually emanate from, come back to, and embody.  The Spirit.