as i walked down to the labyrinth today i realized something. it scares me. even with the 2 dogs. and paramjyoti up at satyam, i was keenly aware that i was alone, that i didnt have my phone, or bear spray, and that i was scared. it was cold. it had just had a good down pour for about 10 mins. and the cuffs of my pants were soaking by the time i got down there.
did it stop me? no. but i became acutely aware of the tension in my throat, the heaviness in my heart, and a little sadness under my anxiety also. and i realized that when im tired, i simply dont have the shakti to see past the clouds. sleep, and rest, not exactly 2 things ive had alot of in the last 5 years, but its catching up with me now. realizing that to be my best, i need to rest.
as i walked in, i just walked, whats my question? nothing. whats my intention? one foot in front of the other. to be here, now, to be open.
random thoughts entered me, nothing profound, nothing worthy of entertaining. just a heaviness, an emptiness.
at the centre i crouched by the rose quartz with both hands on her, no questions, no prayers, no, nothing... except, the overwhelming fascination with how beautiful lichen is. its so stunning, regardless of its shade or texture. its one of my favorite aspects of nature. for some reason i atribute lichen to natures innate beauty. it needs the water, (emotion), it needs it to be cool, damp. just as i was in that moment, and yet, it thrives there, its so darn beautiful!
and then i stood to go, but it was different, something had changed, the anxiety was there, the cold and damp was there, but i dreaded the labyrinth finishing, i wanted it to keep going, for hours, and hours, there was a comfort, a connection, a feeling of being held as i walked out that wasnt there on the way in...
tomorrow... ill do it again.
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